Dear Michael,

My boyfriend of five years has been steadily putting on weight and now I would say he is about 50 pounds heavier than when we met, which was the summer of 2019.

First he blamed the weight gain on COVID. Like most people we were stuck at home, anxious, and overindulging in comfort food; and the gym wasn’t an option. So I didn’t say anything and figured things would return to “normal” once we got through the pandemic.

I will say, though, that I managed to not gain much weight during that time because I found ways to exercise. He didn’t want to join me and I didn’t push.

Although we’re long past COVID, Tim hasn’t changed his ways. He never went back to the gym and continues to eat whatever he wants. I’d say his main hobby is sitting on the couch watching TV and eating junk food.

To make matters worse, his sister recently told me that historically Tim has been a heavy guy. He’d never bothered to share this with me, so I had no idea.

Evidently I met him on the tail-end of an intense push to get in shape. So he looked really good at the time, but that was temporary.

When I confronted him about this, he was mad at his sister for telling me and said I had no right to talk about him behind his back. Well, I didn’t ask her—she just brought it up, and was surprised that I was surprised.

Tim is annoyed that I keep voicing my unhappiness about his being out of shape. He says he is the same sweet and loving person I fell in love with and I’m shallow to be so upset by surface appearances.

I told him he was trying to gaslight me: If he feels that love should have nothing to do with how you look, then why did he go to all the trouble to lose weight and get in shape before we met? I feel like he did it to get a boyfriend and then thought he could just go back to being fat once he was in a relationship.

So now he’s mad at me for saying he’s basically a devious schemer. I didn’t use those words but it’s true I don’t trust him and feel taken advantage of.

Besides the weight, it’s not attractive to see him just basically lie around all the time and not take care of his body.

I asked if he’d consider some drug like Ozempic and he got really angry and said I’m awful to suggest something that might have all sorts of side effects just so that I will be happier with his looks.

The upshot is, I feel stuck with a guy who turns me off and doesn’t want to do anything about it and tells me I’m shallow for not being in love with him no matter what he looks like.

My friends tell me to dump him, but does he have a point?

Michael replies:

You get to decide whom you want to date. You are very far from alone in wanting an energetic and physically attractive partner.

It’s true that no one stays gorgeous, and has an amazing body, forever. We all have to accept the changes that time brings to our partners and to ourselves. But that is different from accepting a partner who isn’t making any effort to take care of himself. 

Aside from the lack of self-care, Tim’s refusal to share significant details about his life, or his thoughts and motives around big issues, is both a trust-destroyer and a huge roadblock to your having a close or intimate relationship. And the way that Tim blows off your questions, and attacks you for being curious or confused, is a recipe for distance and resentment. It is also unkind.

Now let’s look at your part in this. I’m curious about what has been keeping you in this relationship. You haven’t said anything about what you like (or love) about Tim. All I know is that he describes himself as sweet and loving.

Maybe he has some wonderful qualities you haven’t mentioned. Or maybe it’s hard for you to stand up for yourself? To let someone down? To have a boundary when it’s important? 

My biggest questions: Do you have a history of picking partners who underperform in some major ways? Or is the first time you’ve found yourself constantly disappointed by your partner, and constantly pushing him to do better?

Somehow you’ve created a life where you are hitting your head against a brick wall, getting nowhere, continuing to do it, and complaining about the pain. Tim’s made clear that he doesn’t want to do anything different, and yet you continue to push him to change. Your behavior might be leading him to dig in. In any case, it’s leaving you miserable.

In any relationship, you can certainly ask for what you would like from your partner. But you have to let go of the result. And if the answer is “no,” you can either accept it, or drive the two of you crazy.  

If you do care about this relationship, and Tim, and yourself, you could propose to Tim that the two of you meet with a couples therapist. Perhaps this would help Tim to open up and to get a grip on his behaviors. It might also help you to understand why you might be keeping yourself stuck in a miserable position, so that you can raise your level of functioning in this relationship. 

One more important thought: Tim’s lack of self-care and energy make me think that he is depressed. I wonder if Tim—before you met him, at least—was one of the many gay men who feel intense pressure to have a certain kind of body. It isn’t always easy, or even possible, to sustain this kind of appearance. And I wonder if he may be ashamed of where he is, which might be one big reason for his defensiveness.  

Again, couples therapy—or individual therapy—might help him address whatever is keeping him down.  But Tim would have to be willing to go. You can make the suggestion, but you cannot force him to change.

Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with couples and individuals in D.C. He can be found online at michaelradkowsky.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it to [email protected].

I’m a bit of a size queen when it comes to electric vehicles. After all, the bigger the battery pack, the lower the range anxiety. And EVs — with no engine or other components found on traditional gas models — can flaunt their larger cabins. Most EVs also deliver lickety-split acceleration, which can boost the size of any ego. 

I recently test drove two David and Goliath EVs: one an itty-bitty roadster and the other a behemoth pickup. 

So which was better? In the end, the answer was a matter of size. 

MINI COOPER COUPE EV

$31,000

Range: 114 miles

Fastest charging time: 103 miles in 30 minutes (80% charged)

0-to-60 mph: 6.9 seconds

Cargo capacity: 8.7 cu. ft. 

PROS: Quick. Nimble. Fun.

CONS: Battery range. Low chassis. Limited storage.

IN A NUTSHELL: With kicky styling, perky engines and quirky interiors, a Mini Cooper always makes me smile. The EV coupe is no exception, with funky yellow accents on the wheels, badging and side mirrors to distinguish this car from a typical Mini. 

For such a compact car, there’s ample headroom and legroom. But cargo space is tight. Luckily, lowering the back seats triples the stowage area. 

Up front in the Euro-chic cabin, there are plenty of retro toggle switches and tasteful chrome accents. As with other EVs, a digital readout indicates the exact time the vehicle will be fully charged. The nav system, which displays a “range circle” to show how far the Mini can go without running out of juice, also maps out the best “green” route to travel. That’s a nice touch, because the driving range here is only 114 miles. Luckily, the regenerative braking system is extra-grippy to help conserve energy. And by just barely lifting your foot off the accelerator, this coupe slows so dramatically that you only need to brake when coming to a full stop.

Best of all, handling is exceptional. Despite the low ground clearance — just 5.6 inches — the Mini Cooper easily handles speed bumps and torn up roads. And during my daily commute, this go-kart wannabe easily scooted through a sea of overbearing semis and SUVs on the Beltway. 

Overall, the Mini Cooper EV is affordable and fits anywhere. It may even put a smile on your face.  

FORD F-150 LIGHTNING

$58,000

Range: 240-320 miles

Fastest charging time: 201 miles in 42 minutes (80% charged)

0-to-60 mph: 4.1 seconds

Cargo capacity: 52.8 cu. ft.

PROS: Lightning fast. Sedan-like comfort. Super storage.

CONS: Pricey trims. Increased competition. Towing saps the battery. 

IN A NUTSHELL: Compared with a Mini Cooper EV, the Ford F-150 Lightning is a Maximus chariot. At 19 feet long and more than six feet tall, this pickup is seven feet longer and two feet taller than the miniscule coupe. The Lightning also weighs 6,000-plus pounds, which makes it three times heavier than the Mini. And the Lightning’s towing capacity — at up to 10,000 pounds — is four times greater.  

Despite the gargantuan proportions, this Herculean beast rides and handles like a lithe sedan. No, the Lightning is not as nimble as a spritely Mini, but it’s surprisingly close — especially for a hauler with land-yacht proportions.  

A fave feature: major storage space, including two glove boxes, an acres-long truck bed, a huge center console, and a frunk that can hold almost twice as much gear as the rear cargo bay in a Mini Cooper. The funky frunk is also water-resistant, drainable, lockable and has four 120-volt outlets and two USB chargers. There’s even an emergency release latch, just like in a standard trunk. Coolest of all, with just two taps to the key fob, the frunk’s lid opens and closes electronically—which makes the Lightning look like some sort of Leviathan sea monster. 

Power comes from two electric motors configured to provide standard all-wheel drive. Add in the extended-range battery for more horsepower and torque, and the Lightning lives up to its Thor-like bona fides. Such wickedly fast acceleration is thrilling and, frankly, a bit scary. 

Inside, the well-insulated cabin boasts many fine options, including max-recline seats, hands-free driving system, Bang & Olufsen premium stereo, twin-panel moonroof and a 15-inch infotainment screen that looks and behaves like an iPad. 

When it comes to size, the Lightning is larger, faster and full of more storage space than a Mini Cooper. Yet the coupe costs half as much and is a better urban adventurer. It also seems a bit more practical, at least in the city. 

Small versus large? It all depends on which size fits you best. 

Dear Michael,

I’m a 39 year-old gay man. Over the past decade I’ve been watching my straight friends from college date, marry, have kids, and buy houses. Their lives seem really fulfilling. 

In the meantime, like all my gay friends, I’ve been hooking up and drinking too much and partying on weekends.  

I realize that I hate my gay life. I think it’s vapid. I never thought I would say this but I actually wish I were straight because I think my life would be better and easier.

I don’t think this is internalized homophobia and I don’t think I’m idealizing my straight friends’ lives. I look around me and compare their lives to my life and my gay friends’ lives and it’s obvious that their lives are more meaningful. I realize I’m profoundly depressed. 

Looking to the future, I know I’ve got an expiration date when it will be absurd for me to be standing around in my underpants at a bar. And then I will be irrelevant. 

I don’t want to be going to sex parties and have people look through me — or only have sex with me because they have a grandpa fetish. 

And the prospect of spending my future at a never-ending string of dinner parties with conversations about art or theater seems dismal. I know that’s a cliché but I’ve known enough older gay men to know there’s a lot of truth to it.

I envy my straight friends’ marriages. They all seem devoted to their spouses. 

I would love to have a true life companion. I can’t fathom what my gay friends’ marriages are really about, because they’re all always going out separately from their husbands and screwing other people. I don’t discuss this with anyone because I’m afraid they’ll judge me or say I am pathetic and hate myself. I don’t really hate myself but I am hopeless about having a meaningful life as a gay man.

Any thoughts about getting to a better place?

Michael replies:

I could tell you that your best hope of a better life is to make your peace with being a gay man; that doing so does not have to mean living a life you find vapid and meaningless. That there is no one way to be gay; that you and you alone get to choose how you construct your life. And that the accomplishments you believe give your straight friends’ lives meaning are also possible for you to achieve.

But I think you probably know all this. So the real question is, why are you continuing to live this life you despise, year after year?

Some questions to consider: 

• What are you afraid might happen if you don’t keep following the crowd? 

• What endeavors, activities, and causes do you imagine would give your life some greater meaning? 

• What stops you from pursuing any of them or making them part of your life?

I wonder what life experiences you may have had that contribute to your being so stuck. For example: Were you discouraged from thinking for yourself or from being self-directed as a kid? Were you expected to do as you were told? Were you ever bullied or ostracized, which might make it important for you to feel part of a group even you don’t really fit? 

A related question: While you say that you want a close relationship, you don’t describe efforts to find one. Thinking back over your 39 years, can you identify any reasons why intimacy would be scary or uncomfortable for you?  There are a number of reasons why gay men often have difficulty establishing relationships that include both sex and emotional connection. And you may have your own reasons for avoiding closeness that are unrelated to being gay. (Discomfort with intimacy is not limited to gay people.)

One more thing to consider: Although you say this isn’t internalized homophobia, is it possible you’ve absorbed negative beliefs over the course of your life that lead you to see being gay in a negative light?

I’m asking all these questions simply to encourage you to develop some hypotheses about why you’ve been continuing to live as you’ve been living. Having some understanding of what’s holding you back, or what you’re afraid of, might make it easier to quiet your anxiety, get off autopilot, and start moving in directions you would like to go.

Regarding your being profoundly depressed: I could suggest that you work with a therapist on getting past what is keeping you from creating a better life. In addition, regular exercise (if you aren’t doing this already) would likely help your mood; and curbing your alcohol consumption would likely help you to better manage your life and your mood. (Perhaps your therapist or physician would recommend an antidepressant to help you along.)

Again, I am certain you already know all this. I don’t think suggestions are what you really need. As long as you keep your focus on all the things you hate about your life and all the sadness that you are convinced lies in your future, your life will likely remain as is. 

For you to have a shot at a better life, you’re going to have to do something new (hard and scary as that might be). This might include any or all of my suggestions, or it might be something entirely different that you conceive. The essential ingredients: Recognize that you actually have a choice as to how you want to live your life; and make the choice to take action on your behalf.

Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with couples and individuals in D.C. He can be found online at michaelradkowsky.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it to [email protected].

While the Fourth of July may be over, other fireworks continue with two bangin’ rides: the Ford Maverick pickup and Subaru Crosstrek SUV. Both are affordable compacts, though neither can be considered barebones and each vehicle offers some fresh surprises. 

FORD MAVERICK LARIAT

$35,000

MPG: 22 city/29 highway

0-to-60 mph: 5.9 seconds

Cargo capacity: 33.3 cu. ft.

PROS: Very low price. Peppy. Lotsa storage.

CONS: Spartan base model. Bumpy ride. Pricey options. 

IN A NUTSHELL: When I wrote a few years ago about the Ford Maverick, which was replacing the long-time Ranger, it was a pleasant surprise to learn this new pickup came standard as a hybrid. Such fuel efficiency—42 mpg in the city, 33 mpg on the highway—is still impressive. But this year Ford switched the Maverick’s powertrain availability, which means the hybrid is now a $1,500 option and the more powerful turbo engine comes standard. That’s a downer for fuel-conscious buyers, but a plus for anyone seeking more oomph under the hood. 

Hybrid or no, the starting price of a base-model Maverick is still low: less than $25,000. This makes it the least expensive compact pickup out there. Available only as a four-door crew cab, there’s plenty of passenger and cargo room.The low-slung truck bed—which can carry cargo up to 1,500 pounds—makes loading and unloading easy. And despite its small size, this tough hauler can tow up to 4,000 pounds. Built on the same platform as two popular Ford SUVs—the Escape and Bronco Sport—the Maverick boasts handling more like a sedate sedan than a stiff truck. Well, at least that’s the case on the freeway. In town, the ride is bumpier than expected over potholes and such. 

Three trim levels available: XL, XLT and high-end Lariat, which is what I test drove for a week. The XL is basic—with 17-inch steel wheels, cloth seats and a six-speaker stereo—while the XLT adds alloy wheels, power-locking tailgate and a rear armrest with cupholders. But the Lariat offers unexpected amenities, such as keyless entry, push-button start, synthetic leather upholstery, power-sliding rear window, heated seats, heated steering wheel, wireless charging pad and eight-speaker Bang & Olufsen stereo. 

All Mavericks come with forward collision warning that automatically applies braking when necessary. But the Lariat adds adaptive cruise control, rear parking sensors, blind-spot monitor with rear cross-traffic alert, and evasive steering that kicks in to help avoid collisions. 

For all you alphas, there’s a Tremor Off-Road package, which adds rough-and-rugged features like elevated ground clearance, advanced four-wheel drive, skid plates, off-road suspension, locking rear differential, all-terrain tires, full-size spare, and more aggressive styling and badging. 

Alas, such options add up and can bump the sticker price close to $45,000.

SUBARU CROSSTREK WILDERNESS

$34,000

MPG: 25 city/29 highway

0-to-60 mph: 8.5 seconds 

Cargo capacity: 20 cu. ft.

PROS: Off-road capability. Roomy. Comfy seats.

CONS: Plasticky interior. Bit noisy cabin. No speed demon.

IN A NUTSHELL: Subaru has its own maverick in the showroom: the tiny-but-mighty Crosstrek. Redesigned for 2024, the Crosstrek retains much of its quirky styling and adept handling. That’s a good thing, considering how hot this SUV has been the past few years.  

There’s also a brand-new trim level: the Wilderness. While I was already a big fan of the Crosstrek, the Wilderness ratchets things up a lot. 

Except for the BRZ sports car, all Subarus come standard with all-wheel drive. Yet the off-road prowess of the Crosstrek Wilderness is enhanced by front skid plate, extra drive modes, a tighter suspension and higher ground clearance (9.3 inches versus 8.6 inches on other Crosstreks). No, this is not a Jeep Wrangler or Toyota Land Cruiser, but the Wilderness is no slouch when tackling rutty roads or sandy terrain. 

As for looks, the rugged styling includes hexagonal fog lights, 17-inch black alloy wheels with thick treads, black front and rear bumpers, and black cladding on the wheel arches to protect against scrapes. Faux copper accents—especially on the roof rack and steering wheel—signal that this is not your average Crosstrek. 

With the back seats down, cargo space in all Crosstreks is 55 cubic feet (an impressive two-and-a-half times the area when the seats are up). As for towing, standard Crosstrek models can haul an impressive 1,500 pounds. But the Wilderness can tow even more—a whopping 3,500 pounds. 

Inside, the high roofline makes the cabin feel surprisingly large. The gauges and displays—functional but not glitzy—are the same across the Crosstrek lineup. Notable options include power moonroof, 10-way power driver’s seat and 10-speaker Harmon Kardon audio. 

The main difference between the Wilderness and other Crosstrek trims are the comfortable, water-resistant seats (made of synthetic leather upholstery) and the rubber floor mats emblazoned with the Wilderness logo. 

All in all, this Crosstrek turned out to be a practical urban ride that also brought out my inner Paul Bunyan on weekends. 

Dr. Grewal, aka The Melrose Vet, is a proud ally of the LGBTQ community and was happy to support the Los Angeles Blade for their Pride events last month.

“At The Melrose Vet, we are committed to fostering an inclusive and welcoming environment for all,” said Dr. Grewal. “As a proud supporter of the LGBTQ community, we believe that every individual deserves to be treated with dignity, respect, and compassion, regardless of their sexual orientation or gender identity. Our clinic is dedicated to creating a safe space where diversity is celebrated, and everyone feels valued and supported.”

Dr. Grewal recognizes the unique challenges faced by the LGBTQ community and strives to ensure that his practice is a place of acceptance and understanding.

“The Melrose Vet stands firmly in support of LGBTQ rights and inclusivity, both within our clinic and in the broader community. We are honored to serve a diverse clientele and are committed to advocating for equality and respect for all.”

He added: “It’s so important — especially for allies — to support the Blade,” said Dr. Grewal. “They are a tireless advocate for the LGBTQ community, and we love working with them.”

Dr. Grewal recommends that all Blade readers take their pets in for their annual checkups.

“Regular check-ups are essential for early detection and treatment of common pet issues. Don’t hesitate to reach out to your vet if something seems off,” he noted. “Being observant and proactive about your pet’s health can prevent minor issues from becoming major problems. Trust your instincts and seek professional advice when needed.”

Now that we are in the summer months, Dr. Grewal highly recommends you keep your pets well hydrated. “A healthy diet and adequate hydration are crucial for maintaining your pet’s digestive health. Ensure they have access to fresh water and a balanced diet.”

If you can’t make it into his vet office, Dr. Grewal and his experienced team are also mobile vets, bringing their veterinary care directly to your doorstep.

“Traveling to a veterinary clinic can be stressful for pets, especially those who are anxious or have mobility issues. A mobile vet service allows pets to receive care in the comfort of their own home, reducing stress and anxiety. In this way, we can prioritize your pet’s comfort and health by offering personalized attention in the familiar surroundings of your home. This ensures minimal stress for your pets.”

Sometimes it’s good to be a fairy godmother. That’s how it was for me when organizing a surprise dinner party for my husband Robert, who was celebrating a milestone birthday. 

Event planning isn’t my thing, yet somehow the stars aligned. It seemed like all I had to do was wave a wand and — voila! — the magic began.

Make reservations at a fave intimate restaurant, which often gets booked months in advance? Zing! Ensure that family and childhood friends from across the country could all attend the same weekend? Zing! Find a handsome pianist to serenade us with Broadway show tunes. Zing again!

The only thing missing: a stunning chariot. But then, at the last minute, my test car for the week turned out to be—zing!—the all-electric BMW i7 xDrive60 glam sedan. 

BMW i7 xDrive60

$121,000

MPGe: 87 city/95 highway

Range: 291 to 321 miles 

Fastest charging time: 212 miles in 34 minutes (80% charged) 

PROS: Hyper fast. Sublime cabin. Dazzling tech.

CONS: Pricey. So-so cargo area. A sedan in a world of SUVs.

IN A NUTSHELL: To drive or not to drive, that’s the question with the BMW i7. Rarely is it more exciting to be the passenger than the driver in a sports sedan, especially a Bimmer. But as I chauffeured my husband to the restaurant on his birthday, he seemed to be having way too much fun enjoying the dizzying array of creature comforts.

Spa treatment. The futuristic seats, made of quilted Merino leather, are as plush and comfortable as anything from Roche Bobois. But the optional cashmere/wool fabric looks and feels even better. All seats—both front and rear—come with ventilation and heating that activates much quicker than in most cars. The superb massage function does bodywork like a real masseur—but without the need to tip 20% when your session ends. 

Concert-hall acoustics. Other high-priced rides offer premium audio, but the standard Bowers & Wilkens stereo in the i7 is bravo: 18 speakers and 655 watts. Better yet, my test car had the much-ballyhooed Diamond Surround Sound System, with 36 speakers powered by a 1965-watt amplifier. Yes, two of those speakers use actual diamonds to increase clarity. The result is perhaps the best-sounding vehicle acoustics ever.

IMAX-like screen. The Rear Executive Lounge Seating package adds a reclining right rear seat with footrest and a center console with foldable table that serves as a floating desk. Think first-class seating on an airplane. Most impressive is the huge, 31-inch 8K theater screen that drops down from the ceiling and comes with Amazon Fire capability. All rear window shades lower and the panoramic-glass roof shade closes when in theater mode. Built tastefully into the armrest on each rear door is what looks like an Apple iPhone to control the rear lighting, movie screen and other functions. Any home theater system should be so good.

Racecar features. Up front, the driver is spoiled with many other goodies. A curved digital screen, the same as in the cutting-edge BMW iX SUV, houses a 12.3-inch instrument cluster and 14.9-inch infotainment monitor. Two motors—one for each axle—creates an impressive 536-horsepower. Press the accelerator and—whoosh!—the i7 sprints from 0 to 60 mph in just 4.1 seconds. The amazing auto-leveling suspension absorbs potholes and speed bumps as if this 6,000-pound sedan were floating on air. 

Rolls-Royce aura. BMW, which also owns Rolls-Royce, has sprinkled the i7 with stately design cues. This includes softer, more graceful styling and none of the severe, chiseled angles of previous BMWs. Other plusses: Swarovski crystals in the headlights and 22 precision-focused LEDs in the high beams. But the illuminated grille, while impressive, has a more ominous vibe. (Stephen King’s Christine, anyone?) 

Full-size comfort. The i7 is a full-figured ride, more than 17-feet long and 6.4-feet wide. Here’s where the automatic parking comes in handy, allowing this BMW to parallel or perpendicular park itself. Trunk capacity is 18 cubic feet, which is decent but less than some competitors. Inside, though, there are plenty of clever storage compartments. 

A pretty penny. Full of options, my test car was a wallet-busting $152,000. But that’s a bargain—well, sort of—compared with the high-performance i7 M70. With 650 horsepower and a 0-to-60 time of 3.5 seconds, the M70 is the fastest all-electric M car ever made. It also costs $169,000. 

Alas, such sticker prices are too rich for my blood. Sorry Robert, maybe if we win the lottery.

The LA Blade’s intrepid Washington D.C.-based White House correspondent serves up another of his delicious weekly recipes

WASHINGTON – Some of my favorite chefs and cookbook authors have long raved about Rancho Gordo, the largest purveyor of exotic heirloom beans in the U.S. Well, friends, these fabaceae are worth the hype. 

In case you were wondering, the peas in peas & rice = beans. And you can use virtually any variety you like, dried or canned, but RG’s ayocote morado beans are just sublime here. 

The purple-hued thick-skinned runner bean pairs perfectly with jasmine rice and these ribs, which are rubbed with a flaming hot jerk seasoning mixture and cooked low and slow until the brown sugar and spices caramelize into a beautiful crust. 

Now is the time for you capsaicin-pilled frociaggine to turn up the heat with Scotch bonnets and habaneros. Serve the ribs with crème fraiche, yogurt, sour cream, or labneh to soothe the burn. You could also discard the ribs and seeds from the peppers, but do you want to be safe, or do you want to be cool? 

Just be sure to THOROUGHLY wash your hands before touching your face, eyes, or — God forbid, and unfortunately, I am speaking from experience — your genitals. 

Ribs recipe (courtesy of Harold Dieterle/Sam Sifton, New York Times Cooking): 

1. Heat your oven to 300° F. Place one bunch of roughly chopped scallions, ½ an onion, roughly chopped, 4 cloves of garlic, and 4 habanero or Scotch bonnet peppers, 1 serrano pepper, and a pinch of salt into a food processor. Pulse until well minced
2. Add 2 tablespoons dried thyme, 1 tablespoon garlic powder, 2 tablespoons ground allspice, 1 teaspoon chipotle powder or habanero powder, 1 teaspoon ground black pepper, ½ teaspoon chile powder, ½ teaspoon onion powder, ½ teaspoon smoked Spanish paprika, ¼ teaspoon ground cinnamon, and 1 tablespoon dark brown sugar
3. Add ¼ cup soy sauce and blend for 15-20 seconds. Add ¼ cup dark rum and pulse to combine. Add ¼ cup water and pulse again 
4. Refrigerate for 30 minutes or until ready to use 
5. Remove the membrane from the backs of two racks of baby back pork ribs. Season them “aggressively” with salt and pepper
6. Place each rack of ribs on a large sheet of aluminum foil, slathering each with the marinade. Wrap them tightly in the foil, place them on a sheet pan, and transfer them to the oven to cook for 90 minutes 
7. Unwrap the ribs and douse them again with the jerk marinade. Return the meat, uncovered, to the oven to continue roasting for another 90 minutes “or until the meat is crusty and has just begun to pull back from the bone” 
8. Allow to rest for 5 minutes and then slice into individual ribs to serve

Peas & rice 

1. Preheat oven to 400° F
2. Make a sofrito by blending, with a food processor, ½ an onion, a few hot peppers, a few stalks of celery (or a fennel bulb), and a few large carrots, peeled
3. Heat a few tablespoons of neutral oil in a high-sided heavy-bottomed vessel like an enameled cast iron Dutch oven or a stockpot. Cook the vegetables, covered, for 25 minutes, stirring every 5 minutes or so. Continue cooking for another 15 minutes, stirring more frequently. Uncover and continue to cook until the vegetables begin to brown as they fry in the oil
4. If you’re using dried beans, add them to the pot now along with 2 quarts of water, 2 bay leaves, 1 teaspoon of dried thyme, and 1 teaspoon of Mexican oregano. Season generously with salt, bring to a boil, reduce to a gentle simmer, and cook for 1-3 hours until the beans are tender
5. Add 1 cup of water and a 14 oz can of coconut milk. Bring to a simmer and stir in 2 cups of long grain white rice. Cover and transfer your pot to the oven to bake for 40 minutes. If you’re using canned beans (drained and rinsed), stir them in halfway through cooking 
6. Remove your pot and allow to rest for 15 minutes before fluffing and serving (that’s right, fluffing and serving! Happy Pride!) 

The LA Blade’s intrepid Washington D.C.-based White House correspondent serves up another of his delicious weekly recipes

WASHINGTON – Today’s recipe comes courtesy of Molly Baz and her new-ish cookbook (new to me, anyway), “More is More.” 

“This salad,” she writes, “is all about letting peak summer melon shine. You’ll make a nutty, green pistachio oil to drench it in, and then toss the fruit with thinly shaved fennel and tons and tons of thick shards of Parmigiano Reggiano. It’s sweet, it’s salty, it’s crunchy and soft simultaneously; it is THE summer salad moment.” 

Melon is the least exciting part of any fruit plate situation but tell me you don’t develop some respect after tasting it with the savory treatment as prepared in this dish. 

1. Add ¼ cup fennel fronds to a food processor with ⅓ cup salted, roasted pistachios, pulsing while slowly adding ⅓ cup good olive oil. Season with flaky salt
2. Thinly slice 2 fennel bulbs and the flesh of one melon. Toss in a large bowl with flaky salt and the juice of 2 lemons 
3. Using a paring knife or vegetable peeler, shave 5 ounces Parmigiano Reggiano 
4. Plate by starting with a small handful of fennel/melon, topping with cheese and pistachio oil, and repeating once 

The Los Angeles Blade is pleased to introduce a new bi-weekly column for members of the LGBTQ+ community who have questions about their faith, life, and the intersection of religion with sexual orientation or gender identity in their daily lives.

From [email protected]:

“Pride Month is a time of celebration, but I often feel conflicted because of my religious upbringing. How can I fully embrace and celebrate Pride while honoring my faith?”- Caroline, Redding, CA 

So many queer people live in the tension between having pride in the queer identity and dealing with the shame they inherited from a religious upbringing- this is true even for many queer people who are no longer religious! Religious trauma from toxic religious doctrine or rejection from our churches or families is very real for many queer people, and can negatively impact our mental health and our overall wellbeing for a long time.

Even as a Pastor, I seen my therapist weekly and a large amount of what we spend time unpacking is how religious experiences and beliefs I no longer hold to continue to cause me anxiety, fear, and shame. So first, know that you’re not alone. A lot of us experience this sense of inner conflict, even after being out for years! 

During Pride month, you will inevitably come across a religious person on social media saying “Pride is a sin!”- but they’re being disingenuous. It’s true, the Bible does call pride- or arrogance- a sin. But there is another kind of pride, one rooted in a deep sense of gratitude- the pride that these same Christians will quickly embrace when they sing “I’m proud to be an American!”

That second kind of pride is what we’re embracing at in Queer Pride celebrations. It’s gratitude to our queer forerunners for fighting to help us live and love more freely. It is gratitude to our queer family for the love, support, and endless contributions we make to the world. And for many of us, it is gratitude to God, who made us queerly beloved and delights in us just as we are. This is what Pride, at its core, is supposed to be. 

On top of the celebration, Pride is also, of course, a continuation of the resistance movement started at Stonewall, a recognition that queer folks are still marginalized and threatened in the US and around the world, and it’s a commitment to continue the fight for equality, dignity, and justice for all queer folks.

For me, channeling the wide array of emotions I feel because of the toxic religious teachings I grew up with towards activism and advocacy has been a healing path for me- so perhaps when you feel inner conflict around Pride, channel that towards speaking up and acting up for your fellow queer siblings. Turn that inner conflict towards speaking words of truth- that queer people are made in the image and likeness of God and are just as worthy of life and love as every other person in the world.

Don’t allow your inner conflictedness to bog you down in shame during this season- allow it to motivate you to celebrate harder, advocate more fiercely, and enjoy this sacred month. Happy Pride! 

“I was taught that sex outside of marriage is a sin, but as a queer person, marriage hasn’t always been an option. How can I understand my sexual ethics in a way that aligns with both my faith and my identity?” – Shane, New York, NY 

Hey Shane- thanks for this question. You want to know what’s crazy- there is not a single verse in the Bible that says premarital sex is a sin. In a few places, some translations of the New Testament render the Greek word porneia as “fornication”, which does mean premarital sex, but virtually no Greek scholar believes that is an accurate translation of that word.

Instead, what the Bible actually condemns is excessive sexuality- meaning allowing our sexual desire to control us. This is a sexual ethic that I think all people should embrace- being in control of and mindful about how you engage your sexuality, rather than using it as a compulsive behavior or as a means of escaping or numbing ourselves.

One of my favorite Scriptures that guides my own ethics comes from Paul in 1 Corinthians 6:12 when he writes “All things are permissible, but not everything is beneficial”. In other words, this ethic is based not on a rigid sense of rules, but on considering what is beneficial- healthy, and good- for us.

Whenever I think about my own sexual behavior, I try to ask myself both why am I doing this and if this is beneficial to me. If I can be mindful about my intentions, knowing that I am entering into a sexual experience consensually, joyfully, healthily, and with clarity of mind, then I can’t see why I would consider it sinful or wrong.

There is no one-size fits all sexual ethic that is prescribed by the Bible, so by asking this question each of us can discern what is a beneficial and healthy sexual practice for us. The only thing the Bible is concerned with is that we maintain self-control and that our actions are always loving towards God, neighbor, and self. I hope this helps!

If you have a question you’d like Pastor Brandan to answer please send it to:

[email protected]

******************************************************************************************

Rev. Brandan Robertson is a noted author, activist, and pastor based in New York City. Known as the “TikTok Pastor,” he engages over 220k followers and 5.5 million views with his inclusive theological content. Robertson has authored, edited, or contributed to 23 books and his writings have appeared in esteemed publications like TIME Magazine and The Washington Post. He holds degrees from Moody Bible Institute, Iliff School of Theology, and Eastern Illinois University, and is pursuing a PhD in Biblical Studies at Drew University.

The LA Blade’s intrepid Washington D.C.-based White House correspondent serves up another of his delicious weekly recipes

WASHINGTON – Firmly in my bean era, it was only a matter of time before I made pasta e fagioli, a traditional Italian soup of which Carla Lalli Music has a beautiful version that I have lightly modified below. 

Happy Pride! 

I used heirloom yellow eye beans from Rancho Gordo, which were heavenly in this. 

1. Soak ½ pound dry beans overnight in water seasoned with salt
2. Make a double-batch of sofrito: In a food processor, pulse 1 large or two medium-sized yellow onion and 6 garlic cloves until finely chopped. Transfer to a large bowl and repeat with 1 fennel bulb or four celery stalks and 4 carrots
3. Heat a 6-quart Dutch oven over medium. Add ½ cup olive oil and cook vegetables for about 3 minutes, seasoning generously with salt and pepper. Cover and reduce heat to medium-low. Cook, checking and stirring every 5-10 minutes, until everything is soft but making sure it doesn’t yet begin to take on color, about 25 minutes. Continue to cook with the lid on, stirring more frequently, until sofrito begins to brown, about 15 minutes more. Uncover and continue to cook until the vegetables are starting to fry in the oil
4. Transfer ½ of the sofrito into a Tupperware and freeze for the future. Add 6 anchovies, 2 teaspoons dried oregano, 2 teaspoons fennel seeds, ½ teaspoon cumin seeds, ½ teaspoon turmeric, and 1 teaspoon crushed red pepper flakes. Cook for 2 minutes. Add ¼ cup tomato paste and cook until it turns a deep brick-red, about 3 minutes
5. Add beans along with their soaking liquid. Add 3 bay leaves and enough water to cover the beans by 2-3 inches. Bring mixture to a boil over medium-high, season with salt and pepper, and reduce heat. Partially cover the pot and simmer gently, stirring every 20-30 minutes, until beans are starting to soften, 1-2 hours
6. When beans are tender, stir in a bunch of kale or half a head of green cabbage along with a parmesan rind. Cook with lid askew for 30-45 minutes. Taste and adjust seasoning as needed. Spoon about 3 cups of soup into your food processor, blend until smooth, and stir back into your pot
7. Cook ½ pound pasta (I used ditalini, but any short pasta shape will work) until 2-3 minutes shy of al-dente. Drain pasta and add to your soup, tasting and adjusting seasoning again 
8. In a separate skillet, brown 1 pound ground pork until cooked through and then add the meat to your pot, stirring to combine

Serve drizzled with olive oil, fried bread, and grated parmesan (or gruyere, which I used by mistake but turned out to be delicious)