Dr. Grewal, aka The Melrose Vet, is a proud ally of the LGBTQ community and was happy to support the Los Angeles Blade for their Pride events last month.

“At The Melrose Vet, we are committed to fostering an inclusive and welcoming environment for all,” said Dr. Grewal. “As a proud supporter of the LGBTQ community, we believe that every individual deserves to be treated with dignity, respect, and compassion, regardless of their sexual orientation or gender identity. Our clinic is dedicated to creating a safe space where diversity is celebrated, and everyone feels valued and supported.”

Dr. Grewal recognizes the unique challenges faced by the LGBTQ community and strives to ensure that his practice is a place of acceptance and understanding.

“The Melrose Vet stands firmly in support of LGBTQ rights and inclusivity, both within our clinic and in the broader community. We are honored to serve a diverse clientele and are committed to advocating for equality and respect for all.”

He added: “It’s so important — especially for allies — to support the Blade,” said Dr. Grewal. “They are a tireless advocate for the LGBTQ community, and we love working with them.”

Dr. Grewal recommends that all Blade readers take their pets in for their annual checkups.

“Regular check-ups are essential for early detection and treatment of common pet issues. Don’t hesitate to reach out to your vet if something seems off,” he noted. “Being observant and proactive about your pet’s health can prevent minor issues from becoming major problems. Trust your instincts and seek professional advice when needed.”

Now that we are in the summer months, Dr. Grewal highly recommends you keep your pets well hydrated. “A healthy diet and adequate hydration are crucial for maintaining your pet’s digestive health. Ensure they have access to fresh water and a balanced diet.”

If you can’t make it into his vet office, Dr. Grewal and his experienced team are also mobile vets, bringing their veterinary care directly to your doorstep.

“Traveling to a veterinary clinic can be stressful for pets, especially those who are anxious or have mobility issues. A mobile vet service allows pets to receive care in the comfort of their own home, reducing stress and anxiety. In this way, we can prioritize your pet’s comfort and health by offering personalized attention in the familiar surroundings of your home. This ensures minimal stress for your pets.”

Sometimes it’s good to be a fairy godmother. That’s how it was for me when organizing a surprise dinner party for my husband Robert, who was celebrating a milestone birthday. 

Event planning isn’t my thing, yet somehow the stars aligned. It seemed like all I had to do was wave a wand and — voila! — the magic began.

Make reservations at a fave intimate restaurant, which often gets booked months in advance? Zing! Ensure that family and childhood friends from across the country could all attend the same weekend? Zing! Find a handsome pianist to serenade us with Broadway show tunes. Zing again!

The only thing missing: a stunning chariot. But then, at the last minute, my test car for the week turned out to be—zing!—the all-electric BMW i7 xDrive60 glam sedan. 

BMW i7 xDrive60

$121,000

MPGe: 87 city/95 highway

Range: 291 to 321 miles 

Fastest charging time: 212 miles in 34 minutes (80% charged) 

PROS: Hyper fast. Sublime cabin. Dazzling tech.

CONS: Pricey. So-so cargo area. A sedan in a world of SUVs.

IN A NUTSHELL: To drive or not to drive, that’s the question with the BMW i7. Rarely is it more exciting to be the passenger than the driver in a sports sedan, especially a Bimmer. But as I chauffeured my husband to the restaurant on his birthday, he seemed to be having way too much fun enjoying the dizzying array of creature comforts.

Spa treatment. The futuristic seats, made of quilted Merino leather, are as plush and comfortable as anything from Roche Bobois. But the optional cashmere/wool fabric looks and feels even better. All seats—both front and rear—come with ventilation and heating that activates much quicker than in most cars. The superb massage function does bodywork like a real masseur—but without the need to tip 20% when your session ends. 

Concert-hall acoustics. Other high-priced rides offer premium audio, but the standard Bowers & Wilkens stereo in the i7 is bravo: 18 speakers and 655 watts. Better yet, my test car had the much-ballyhooed Diamond Surround Sound System, with 36 speakers powered by a 1965-watt amplifier. Yes, two of those speakers use actual diamonds to increase clarity. The result is perhaps the best-sounding vehicle acoustics ever.

IMAX-like screen. The Rear Executive Lounge Seating package adds a reclining right rear seat with footrest and a center console with foldable table that serves as a floating desk. Think first-class seating on an airplane. Most impressive is the huge, 31-inch 8K theater screen that drops down from the ceiling and comes with Amazon Fire capability. All rear window shades lower and the panoramic-glass roof shade closes when in theater mode. Built tastefully into the armrest on each rear door is what looks like an Apple iPhone to control the rear lighting, movie screen and other functions. Any home theater system should be so good.

Racecar features. Up front, the driver is spoiled with many other goodies. A curved digital screen, the same as in the cutting-edge BMW iX SUV, houses a 12.3-inch instrument cluster and 14.9-inch infotainment monitor. Two motors—one for each axle—creates an impressive 536-horsepower. Press the accelerator and—whoosh!—the i7 sprints from 0 to 60 mph in just 4.1 seconds. The amazing auto-leveling suspension absorbs potholes and speed bumps as if this 6,000-pound sedan were floating on air. 

Rolls-Royce aura. BMW, which also owns Rolls-Royce, has sprinkled the i7 with stately design cues. This includes softer, more graceful styling and none of the severe, chiseled angles of previous BMWs. Other plusses: Swarovski crystals in the headlights and 22 precision-focused LEDs in the high beams. But the illuminated grille, while impressive, has a more ominous vibe. (Stephen King’s Christine, anyone?) 

Full-size comfort. The i7 is a full-figured ride, more than 17-feet long and 6.4-feet wide. Here’s where the automatic parking comes in handy, allowing this BMW to parallel or perpendicular park itself. Trunk capacity is 18 cubic feet, which is decent but less than some competitors. Inside, though, there are plenty of clever storage compartments. 

A pretty penny. Full of options, my test car was a wallet-busting $152,000. But that’s a bargain—well, sort of—compared with the high-performance i7 M70. With 650 horsepower and a 0-to-60 time of 3.5 seconds, the M70 is the fastest all-electric M car ever made. It also costs $169,000. 

Alas, such sticker prices are too rich for my blood. Sorry Robert, maybe if we win the lottery.

The LA Blade’s intrepid Washington D.C.-based White House correspondent serves up another of his delicious weekly recipes

WASHINGTON – Some of my favorite chefs and cookbook authors have long raved about Rancho Gordo, the largest purveyor of exotic heirloom beans in the U.S. Well, friends, these fabaceae are worth the hype. 

In case you were wondering, the peas in peas & rice = beans. And you can use virtually any variety you like, dried or canned, but RG’s ayocote morado beans are just sublime here. 

The purple-hued thick-skinned runner bean pairs perfectly with jasmine rice and these ribs, which are rubbed with a flaming hot jerk seasoning mixture and cooked low and slow until the brown sugar and spices caramelize into a beautiful crust. 

Now is the time for you capsaicin-pilled frociaggine to turn up the heat with Scotch bonnets and habaneros. Serve the ribs with crème fraiche, yogurt, sour cream, or labneh to soothe the burn. You could also discard the ribs and seeds from the peppers, but do you want to be safe, or do you want to be cool? 

Just be sure to THOROUGHLY wash your hands before touching your face, eyes, or — God forbid, and unfortunately, I am speaking from experience — your genitals. 

Ribs recipe (courtesy of Harold Dieterle/Sam Sifton, New York Times Cooking): 

1. Heat your oven to 300° F. Place one bunch of roughly chopped scallions, ½ an onion, roughly chopped, 4 cloves of garlic, and 4 habanero or Scotch bonnet peppers, 1 serrano pepper, and a pinch of salt into a food processor. Pulse until well minced
2. Add 2 tablespoons dried thyme, 1 tablespoon garlic powder, 2 tablespoons ground allspice, 1 teaspoon chipotle powder or habanero powder, 1 teaspoon ground black pepper, ½ teaspoon chile powder, ½ teaspoon onion powder, ½ teaspoon smoked Spanish paprika, ¼ teaspoon ground cinnamon, and 1 tablespoon dark brown sugar
3. Add ¼ cup soy sauce and blend for 15-20 seconds. Add ¼ cup dark rum and pulse to combine. Add ¼ cup water and pulse again 
4. Refrigerate for 30 minutes or until ready to use 
5. Remove the membrane from the backs of two racks of baby back pork ribs. Season them “aggressively” with salt and pepper
6. Place each rack of ribs on a large sheet of aluminum foil, slathering each with the marinade. Wrap them tightly in the foil, place them on a sheet pan, and transfer them to the oven to cook for 90 minutes 
7. Unwrap the ribs and douse them again with the jerk marinade. Return the meat, uncovered, to the oven to continue roasting for another 90 minutes “or until the meat is crusty and has just begun to pull back from the bone” 
8. Allow to rest for 5 minutes and then slice into individual ribs to serve

Peas & rice 

1. Preheat oven to 400° F
2. Make a sofrito by blending, with a food processor, ½ an onion, a few hot peppers, a few stalks of celery (or a fennel bulb), and a few large carrots, peeled
3. Heat a few tablespoons of neutral oil in a high-sided heavy-bottomed vessel like an enameled cast iron Dutch oven or a stockpot. Cook the vegetables, covered, for 25 minutes, stirring every 5 minutes or so. Continue cooking for another 15 minutes, stirring more frequently. Uncover and continue to cook until the vegetables begin to brown as they fry in the oil
4. If you’re using dried beans, add them to the pot now along with 2 quarts of water, 2 bay leaves, 1 teaspoon of dried thyme, and 1 teaspoon of Mexican oregano. Season generously with salt, bring to a boil, reduce to a gentle simmer, and cook for 1-3 hours until the beans are tender
5. Add 1 cup of water and a 14 oz can of coconut milk. Bring to a simmer and stir in 2 cups of long grain white rice. Cover and transfer your pot to the oven to bake for 40 minutes. If you’re using canned beans (drained and rinsed), stir them in halfway through cooking 
6. Remove your pot and allow to rest for 15 minutes before fluffing and serving (that’s right, fluffing and serving! Happy Pride!) 

The LA Blade’s intrepid Washington D.C.-based White House correspondent serves up another of his delicious weekly recipes

WASHINGTON – Today’s recipe comes courtesy of Molly Baz and her new-ish cookbook (new to me, anyway), “More is More.” 

“This salad,” she writes, “is all about letting peak summer melon shine. You’ll make a nutty, green pistachio oil to drench it in, and then toss the fruit with thinly shaved fennel and tons and tons of thick shards of Parmigiano Reggiano. It’s sweet, it’s salty, it’s crunchy and soft simultaneously; it is THE summer salad moment.” 

Melon is the least exciting part of any fruit plate situation but tell me you don’t develop some respect after tasting it with the savory treatment as prepared in this dish. 

1. Add ¼ cup fennel fronds to a food processor with ⅓ cup salted, roasted pistachios, pulsing while slowly adding ⅓ cup good olive oil. Season with flaky salt
2. Thinly slice 2 fennel bulbs and the flesh of one melon. Toss in a large bowl with flaky salt and the juice of 2 lemons 
3. Using a paring knife or vegetable peeler, shave 5 ounces Parmigiano Reggiano 
4. Plate by starting with a small handful of fennel/melon, topping with cheese and pistachio oil, and repeating once 

The Los Angeles Blade is pleased to introduce a new bi-weekly column for members of the LGBTQ+ community who have questions about their faith, life, and the intersection of religion with sexual orientation or gender identity in their daily lives.

From [email protected]:

“Pride Month is a time of celebration, but I often feel conflicted because of my religious upbringing. How can I fully embrace and celebrate Pride while honoring my faith?”- Caroline, Redding, CA 

So many queer people live in the tension between having pride in the queer identity and dealing with the shame they inherited from a religious upbringing- this is true even for many queer people who are no longer religious! Religious trauma from toxic religious doctrine or rejection from our churches or families is very real for many queer people, and can negatively impact our mental health and our overall wellbeing for a long time.

Even as a Pastor, I seen my therapist weekly and a large amount of what we spend time unpacking is how religious experiences and beliefs I no longer hold to continue to cause me anxiety, fear, and shame. So first, know that you’re not alone. A lot of us experience this sense of inner conflict, even after being out for years! 

During Pride month, you will inevitably come across a religious person on social media saying “Pride is a sin!”- but they’re being disingenuous. It’s true, the Bible does call pride- or arrogance- a sin. But there is another kind of pride, one rooted in a deep sense of gratitude- the pride that these same Christians will quickly embrace when they sing “I’m proud to be an American!”

That second kind of pride is what we’re embracing at in Queer Pride celebrations. It’s gratitude to our queer forerunners for fighting to help us live and love more freely. It is gratitude to our queer family for the love, support, and endless contributions we make to the world. And for many of us, it is gratitude to God, who made us queerly beloved and delights in us just as we are. This is what Pride, at its core, is supposed to be. 

On top of the celebration, Pride is also, of course, a continuation of the resistance movement started at Stonewall, a recognition that queer folks are still marginalized and threatened in the US and around the world, and it’s a commitment to continue the fight for equality, dignity, and justice for all queer folks.

For me, channeling the wide array of emotions I feel because of the toxic religious teachings I grew up with towards activism and advocacy has been a healing path for me- so perhaps when you feel inner conflict around Pride, channel that towards speaking up and acting up for your fellow queer siblings. Turn that inner conflict towards speaking words of truth- that queer people are made in the image and likeness of God and are just as worthy of life and love as every other person in the world.

Don’t allow your inner conflictedness to bog you down in shame during this season- allow it to motivate you to celebrate harder, advocate more fiercely, and enjoy this sacred month. Happy Pride! 

“I was taught that sex outside of marriage is a sin, but as a queer person, marriage hasn’t always been an option. How can I understand my sexual ethics in a way that aligns with both my faith and my identity?” – Shane, New York, NY 

Hey Shane- thanks for this question. You want to know what’s crazy- there is not a single verse in the Bible that says premarital sex is a sin. In a few places, some translations of the New Testament render the Greek word porneia as “fornication”, which does mean premarital sex, but virtually no Greek scholar believes that is an accurate translation of that word.

Instead, what the Bible actually condemns is excessive sexuality- meaning allowing our sexual desire to control us. This is a sexual ethic that I think all people should embrace- being in control of and mindful about how you engage your sexuality, rather than using it as a compulsive behavior or as a means of escaping or numbing ourselves.

One of my favorite Scriptures that guides my own ethics comes from Paul in 1 Corinthians 6:12 when he writes “All things are permissible, but not everything is beneficial”. In other words, this ethic is based not on a rigid sense of rules, but on considering what is beneficial- healthy, and good- for us.

Whenever I think about my own sexual behavior, I try to ask myself both why am I doing this and if this is beneficial to me. If I can be mindful about my intentions, knowing that I am entering into a sexual experience consensually, joyfully, healthily, and with clarity of mind, then I can’t see why I would consider it sinful or wrong.

There is no one-size fits all sexual ethic that is prescribed by the Bible, so by asking this question each of us can discern what is a beneficial and healthy sexual practice for us. The only thing the Bible is concerned with is that we maintain self-control and that our actions are always loving towards God, neighbor, and self. I hope this helps!

If you have a question you’d like Pastor Brandan to answer please send it to:

[email protected]

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Rev. Brandan Robertson is a noted author, activist, and pastor based in New York City. Known as the “TikTok Pastor,” he engages over 220k followers and 5.5 million views with his inclusive theological content. Robertson has authored, edited, or contributed to 23 books and his writings have appeared in esteemed publications like TIME Magazine and The Washington Post. He holds degrees from Moody Bible Institute, Iliff School of Theology, and Eastern Illinois University, and is pursuing a PhD in Biblical Studies at Drew University.

The LA Blade’s intrepid Washington D.C.-based White House correspondent serves up another of his delicious weekly recipes

WASHINGTON – Firmly in my bean era, it was only a matter of time before I made pasta e fagioli, a traditional Italian soup of which Carla Lalli Music has a beautiful version that I have lightly modified below. 

Happy Pride! 

I used heirloom yellow eye beans from Rancho Gordo, which were heavenly in this. 

1. Soak ½ pound dry beans overnight in water seasoned with salt
2. Make a double-batch of sofrito: In a food processor, pulse 1 large or two medium-sized yellow onion and 6 garlic cloves until finely chopped. Transfer to a large bowl and repeat with 1 fennel bulb or four celery stalks and 4 carrots
3. Heat a 6-quart Dutch oven over medium. Add ½ cup olive oil and cook vegetables for about 3 minutes, seasoning generously with salt and pepper. Cover and reduce heat to medium-low. Cook, checking and stirring every 5-10 minutes, until everything is soft but making sure it doesn’t yet begin to take on color, about 25 minutes. Continue to cook with the lid on, stirring more frequently, until sofrito begins to brown, about 15 minutes more. Uncover and continue to cook until the vegetables are starting to fry in the oil
4. Transfer ½ of the sofrito into a Tupperware and freeze for the future. Add 6 anchovies, 2 teaspoons dried oregano, 2 teaspoons fennel seeds, ½ teaspoon cumin seeds, ½ teaspoon turmeric, and 1 teaspoon crushed red pepper flakes. Cook for 2 minutes. Add ¼ cup tomato paste and cook until it turns a deep brick-red, about 3 minutes
5. Add beans along with their soaking liquid. Add 3 bay leaves and enough water to cover the beans by 2-3 inches. Bring mixture to a boil over medium-high, season with salt and pepper, and reduce heat. Partially cover the pot and simmer gently, stirring every 20-30 minutes, until beans are starting to soften, 1-2 hours
6. When beans are tender, stir in a bunch of kale or half a head of green cabbage along with a parmesan rind. Cook with lid askew for 30-45 minutes. Taste and adjust seasoning as needed. Spoon about 3 cups of soup into your food processor, blend until smooth, and stir back into your pot
7. Cook ½ pound pasta (I used ditalini, but any short pasta shape will work) until 2-3 minutes shy of al-dente. Drain pasta and add to your soup, tasting and adjusting seasoning again 
8. In a separate skillet, brown 1 pound ground pork until cooked through and then add the meat to your pot, stirring to combine

Serve drizzled with olive oil, fried bread, and grated parmesan (or gruyere, which I used by mistake but turned out to be delicious)

The LA Blade’s intrepid Washington D.C.-based White House correspondent serves up another of his delicious weekly recipes

WASHINGTON – Health food this is not. Make it for guests, as I did on Saturday, and you will feel less guilty about the calories (and sodium, fat, cholesterol…)

Recipe lightly adapted from Melissa Clark, New York Times Cooking

1. Heat oven to 500° F. Slice 1 pound croissants crosswise and toast on a baking sheet, cut side up, for 5-10 minutes until well browned. Allow to cool and tear into bite sized pieces 
2. Heat olive oil in a medium skillet. Add 1-2 bunches scallions, white and light green parts, and 1 pound sweet Italian sausage. Cook until mixture is well browned, about 5 minutes, breaking up the meat 
3. Stir in 2 teaspoons finely chopped sage. Remove from heat and toss with croissants in a large bowl
4. In a separate bowl, whisk together 8 eggs, 3 cups whole milk, 1 cup heavy cream, 1½-2 cups grated gruyère cheese, salt, and pepper
5. Lightly butter a 9×13” baking dish. Turn croissant mixture into the pan, spread evenly over the bottom. Add custard mixture and press into croissants. Cover and refrigerate overnight 
6. When ready to bake, heat oven to 350° F, scatter remaining ½-1 cup grated gruyere over top. Transfer to oven and bake for 45 minutes. Allow to rest for 10 minutes and garnish with remaining scallion greens
7. Serve

The Los Angeles Blade is pleased to introduce a new bi-weekly column for members of the LGBTQ+ community who have questions about their faith, life, and the intersection of religion with sexual orientation or gender identity in their daily lives.

From [email protected]:

I grew up in the church, and it was a really meaningful experience for me. But once I came out as gay, I saw Christianity’s true colors- no one acted like Jesus, they only condemned and rejected me for who I loved. Why would any gay person want to be a part of such a hypocritical religion that has no room for us? – Jace, Philadelphia, PA 

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Jace, thanks so much for your question. First, let me say- I get it. While I am a Christian pastor, I have often found myself asking why I keep showing up to participate in a religion that has done so much harm to me personally as a queer person and to so many in my community.

There have been periods on my journey where I have all but walked away from the church- and those periods have been really healing for me. No one needs to participate in organized religion to have a meaningful life. But for me, I’ve always been drawn back because of a sneaking suspicion that the Christians with the loudest megaphones and the most power don’t actually represent the radical, social and spiritual movement that Jesus began.

The more I’ve studied the Bible and the Christian tradition through the ages, the more I’ve realized that the modern Christian establishment is a distortion of the faith of Jesus and of many millions of Christians throughout the ages. I’ve spent nearly a decade studying the Bible in academic settings and have been blown away by how much of what is preached as “clear” truth- like that being gay is condemned as a sin in Scripture- is far from the truth. There’s not a single verse in all of the Bible that says anything about homosexuality, but rather six verses that are condemning a common ancient form of sexual exploitation between men of high status and men of lower status.

Isn’t it strange that the modern Church has interpreted these verses to condemn loving, consensual same-sex relationships while turning a blind eye to the exploitation that high status men have been enacting towards lower status folks in their own churches? I also discovered that there is a ton of queer stuff in the Bible- there are men who fall in love with each other, women who commit their lives to one another, boys who dress in women’s clothes, and gender-queer individuals who are welcomed with joy into the early church. That’s all really in our Bible. 

When I started to realize this ignorance and hypocrisy, I personally felt motivated to reclaim the faith of Jesus and the Bible for myself and my community. And when I started this work, I quickly discovered that there is a long lineage of queer people who have been queering Christianity for centuries.

I also discovered that there have been other traditions- like the liberationist, womanist, and feminist traditions- that have reclaimed the Christian faith as a source of inspiration for their own spirituality and fight for a more just and equal world. But the largest institutions of Christianity have consistently marginalized these traditions and voices, which is why most people don’t know about them and just assume that Christianity is inherently corrupt. (Which again, is a reasonable assessment based on what is seen publicly!)

So I’ve made it my work to not only reclaim this faith as a queer person, but to work publicly to expose the distorted version of the faith that is being perpetuated and shine a light on the millions of progressive, inclusive, justice-oriented Christian communities that exist around the world.

I do this work not because I think that queer people need Christianity, but because I have met thousands of us who still feel a deep connection to our faith and have a right to claim it as our own. No one- be it a pope, a bishop, a denominational president, or a local pastor- has the authority to tell us we cannot and do not belong. And there is space for us- most people don’t realize that a majority of mainline Christian denominations in the U.S. are fully affirming of queer people today- so while the largest and loudest churches may spew toxic queerphobia, across every state in our nation there are hundreds of inclusive churches that welcome queer people to come just as we are.

I also think it is vitally important for progressive Christians to make our voices louder in society, taking some of the power and authority away from the queerphobic Christians who are just assumed to be the ones with the authority to speak for “true Christianity”.

When we simply write off Christianity- or any religion- as inherently queerphobic, we are consigning millions of queer people around the world to suffering, because in every corner of the globe there are governments enacting policies, justified by their queerphobic religious beliefs, that criminalize or discriminate against queer people.

One way that we can help to combat this is to show that there are other ways to be Christian- ways that are rooted in a good reading of the Biblical text and that take seriously the teachings of Jesus- that affirm queer people’s lives and love. Because the truth is that Christianity isn’t going away any time soon, so it’s vital that the queerphobic versions of it are countered with a progressive, inclusive faith. 

So Jace, all of this is to say that if the Christian faith (or any religion) is a source of trauma and harm for any queer person, I say leave it behind. But if you feel drawn to faith but feel like there’s no space for you, know that there has always been a faithful strain of Christianity that has been committed to inclusion, reformation, and justice, and there are likely communities near you that will welcome and affirm you as a queer person if you’d like to be a part of them. (I recommend using gaychurch.net to find these communities!)

At the end of the day, I’ve come to know, deep in my bones, that queer people are loved by God and that we have so much to offer the Church and the world, and I pray that more and more people will wake up to see that! Thank you for your question!

If you have a question you’d like Pastor Brandan to answer please send it to:

[email protected]

******************************************************************************************

Rev. Brandan Robertson is a noted author, activist, and pastor based in New York City. Known as the “TikTok Pastor,” he engages over 220k followers and 5.5 million views with his inclusive theological content. Robertson has authored, edited, or contributed to 23 books and his writings have appeared in esteemed publications like TIME Magazine and The Washington Post. He holds degrees from Moody Bible Institute, Iliff School of Theology, and Eastern Illinois University, and is pursuing a PhD in Biblical Studies at Drew University.

Dear Michael,

A few months ago you answered a letter from a guy who wanted a baby but his boyfriend didn’t. I’m in the opposite situation. Carol and I have been together for 16 years (we’re married) and all of a sudden she wants to have a baby. This was never on the table until her dad died last year suddenly of a heart attack.  

Since then she’s been a different person. She tells me that she wants to focus on something “bigger” than just enjoying life and also wants some sort of sense that “life will go on.”

To me, being queer has always meant that we get to fully live life in the present, for us.  We don’t have to focus on having kids and all that entails: fertility stuff, sleep deprivation, diapers, babysitters, PTA obligations, college tuition, etc. Let straight people deal with those headaches while I enjoy myself. 

I don’t want to be stuck in restrictive heteronormativity, giving my time and energy to a kid who’s going to go from crying to whining to tantrums to rebellion to not talking to me. And then expect me to pay their bills after they’re 18.  

And why crowd the planet even more? In my opinion, having a baby on this planet is selfish sentimentality.

Carol and I always saw 100 percent eye-to-eye on this issue but now she’s gone over to the other side. I have shared all of the above to shake some sense into her but haven’t gotten anywhere. This was not our agreement at all.

I know you can’t change someone else, but doesn’t she owe our relationship a commitment to the life we already agreed on? I’ve suggested grief counseling but she says no.

Michael replies:

No one owes their partner a commitment to not change. It’s a guarantee that we all change over time. Relationships challenge us to stay with someone as we both evolve in big and sometimes unexpected ways over the years. There’s no way around this challenge if you want to stay happily married. 

It’s also true that you don’t have to keep living with someone who changes in ways you don’t want to accommodate. So, if Carol is certain that she wants to be a mom and if you are certain that you don’t, you can leave.

It makes sense that you’re sad and angry (putting it mildly) when your wife suddenly wants to completely upend your life. That said, you’re not going to improve your marriage by criticizing Carol or insulting her wish to parent. And if you pressure her to give up a deeply held wish, she will likely resent you.

Instead of these tactics, how about being curious regarding her desire to parent? What “bigger” meaning is she hoping to get from life? How does she think her father’s untimely death affected her, not just on this issue but possibly in other ways as well?

There’s great value in being curious about our partners’ differences rather than contemptuous or critical. That’s a path toward greater intimacy, in that we get to deeply understand the person we are spending our life with. While you may not stay with Carol, you still might want to have a close and caring relationship with the woman you’ve spent 16 years with. Understanding her better might also help you make some peace with her desire to parent.

I also want to encourage you to consider that there are many ways to be gay, lesbian, queer — to be just about anything. You could say it’s “heteronormative” to want to parent; but you could also view it as a common human (and non-human) desire that is unrelated to sexual orientation. Carol has different ideas for how she wants to live. This doesn’t mean that she is foolish.

I’m curious about why you have such an unrelentingly negative view about parenting and kids. Is it possible that you’ve had some tough experiences in your life that have shaped this view? 

I’m not pushing you to change your mind, but you might consider talking with some parents to get some sense of what parenting, and children, are actually like. 

You might open up your thinking, and your heart. You might decide you are willing to lean in Carol’s direction, or you might not. In any case, I’m hopeful that you would get a more balanced picture of what parenting and childhood can be. 

Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with couples and individuals in D.C. He can be found online at michaelradkowsky.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it to [email protected].

The LA Blade’s intrepid Washington D.C.-based White House correspondent serves up another of his delicious weekly recipes

FIRE ISLAND PINES, N.Y. – Last Monday, before heading home to Washington, I made lunch for my friends who were working from their home in the Pines. After our pasta night, they wanted a light meal, and I knew just what to do: my all-time favorite, go-to chicken salad by Martha Rose Shulman for New York Times Cooking. 

Let’s be honest, most chicken salads are mediocre, and many are terrible (why do people add RAISINS?! Disgusting.) An unremarkable lunch that simply gets the job done when you need to scarf something down during a busy workday is fine, but I want more for you; for all of us. 

You will never suffer through another middling, insipid chicken salad after making this recipe just once. Here you’re getting the brightness, the bite, and the complex savoriness of ingredients commonly used in Southeast Asian cuisine such as fresh mint and cilantro, lime juice, garlic, ginger, fish sauce, and buttermilk. Divine. 

And because it does not rely on mayonnaise to moisten the poached and shredded chicken breasts, Schulman’s recipe is also low-fat, which you should be sure to tell everyone who showers you with compliments when you bring a bowl to your next barbecue, cookout, potluck, pool party, Fourth of July party, or picnic this summer.  

1. Bring a large pot of well salted water to a rolling boil. Add 2 boneless skinless chicken breasts and once the water is brought back to a boil, cover and remove your pot from the heat and allow to rest for at least 20 minutes 
2. As you’re waiting, thinly slice 6-10 scallions (both white and green parts), sliver ¼ cup fresh mint leaves, chop ¼ cup cilantro, julienne 1 red bell pepper, and mince 1 serrano or jalapeño pepper. Add everything to a large bowl and toss together with 2 cups mung bean sprouts
3. After chicken is rested (at which point it will be fully cooked through), remove the lid, drain the water, shred the meat, season with salt, and combine with the ingredients in your large bowl
4. In a small bowl, combine ¼ cup freshly squeezed lime juice, 2 teaspoons minced ginger, 1 clove minced garlic, 1 tablespoon fish sauce (preferably Southeast Asian), and a pinch of cayenne. Stir to combine and mix in 2 tablespoons natural peanut butter (creamy or smooth) along with ⅓ cup buttermilk

Taste and adjust seasonings and then serve over romaine lettuce leaves and/or bread, for sandwiches