Last month’s column featured a letter from someone who had cheated on his boyfriend, and was struggling with the boyfriend’s unwillingness to forgive him despite his contrition. He wondered what he could do to earn back his boyfriend’s trust, and noted that he was feeling increasingly resentful over the nonstop scrutiny and contempt.

My reply in a nutshell: If you’ve stepped out of your relationship, and want to do better going forward, the main person whose trust you need to earn is your own. Figure out your own standards (with input from your partner, of course) to be a boyfriend who deserves his partner’s trust, and live up to those standards. Strive to honor your partner’s requests to demonstrate your trustworthiness, but when doing so comes at too high a cost to your self-respect or your affection for your partner, you may need to set a boundary. 

Now I’d like to address the other side of this dilemma. If you’ve been cheated on, what can you do to build a trusting and loving relationship with your partner, going forward? Here’s what I would say to the boyfriend.

For starters: You’re in a tough spot. It’s natural and understandable to be hurt, heartbroken, and furious with your partner. But if you want to have a loving relationship with this guy going forward, you are going to have to find a way to not let these feelings run your show for too long.  

As is true for your partner, the person whose trust you most need to earn is you. Can you get better at paying attention, going forward, to any signs that your partner is stepping out of the relationship? Did you miss any hints that something was amiss? Were you ignoring data about your partner’s behavior and character?  

You can’t go too far in either direction here. On the one hand, ignoring your “spidey sense” that something’s wrong is a terrible idea. On the other hand, ongoing scrutiny and interrogations create an imbalanced relationship and often lead to your partner wanting to get away with things. That’s just a natural consequence of being constantly watched.

A big part of your work is to determine if your partner is sincere in his desire to be honest going forward and devote himself to building the same kind of relationship that you want to build. This means assessing your partner’s character: Do you have a clear read on his values, and do you respect them? Can you get a good sense of whether he is just telling you what you want to hear in order to stay in the relationship, or being honest about where he really stands?

You can never know for sure. You can only do your best to see your partner and your relationship accurately. One thing is certain, though. If you are going to be in a close relationship, you must accept that you are going to be vulnerable to heartbreak. In any long relationship, partners do at times hurt each other, sometimes intentionally, sometimes unintentionally. There is no way around this.  

Of course, that doesn’t mean you must stay with someone who cheated on you. You get to decide whom you want to be with, what is not forgivable, and when you do not want to forgive.

If you decide that you have good reason to stay, you will have to develop your ability to calm yourself when it feels like something might be wrong and you are starting to freak out.  Remember, your alarm system is likely on high alert after having been betrayed, which means you may easily panic when something might be amiss.  

So when your partner doesn’t show up when he said he would, or doesn’t reply to a text or answer his phone, take a moment to quiet your mind — perhaps by taking some slow deep breaths, perhaps simply by reminding yourself that your judgment may be “off” right now — and not rush into accusations or a downward spiral.  

Every time you are able to make this move, you will be strengthening your ability to remain calm and thoughtful under very tough circumstances. That is a great skill to have in all arenas of life.

One more point: If you want to be angry or walk around feeling like your partner owes you for the rest of your existence, you might as well end the relationship, because you’ll never have a loving relationship under those conditions. You cannot use your partner’s bad behavior to justify your own bad behavior. For a relationship to succeed, each partner must strive to be someone worth being in a relationship with.

Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with couples and individuals in D.C. He can be found online at michaelradkowsky.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it to [email protected].

Dear Michael,

I cheated on my boyfriend and I can’t get him to forgive me.

A few months ago I slept with another guy. I can’t really explain why I did it. Sam and I have had an agreement to be monogamous and I believe in monogamy.  

Rick, the “other man” and I, have been friends for a long time and it just happened. Rick is very attractive, I think he has a great personality, we were having dinner together and I’d had a bit too much to drink. We started making out and then left together and went to his place.

Unfortunately, a friend of Sam’s saw us kissing at the restaurant and reported me to Sam. He confronted me and I confessed to everything (not just the kissing).

I am very disappointed in myself and I’ve communicated that, over and over, to Sam.  

But he continues to be angry with me. Every time I go out, he tells me to “behave.” He told me I can’t see Rick anymore and he has my “find my phone” feature activated so that he can always check my whereabouts. He also has all my passwords and periodically checks everything. It’s like being randomly drug-tested by my boyfriend.

On one hand, I understand. I’ve destroyed his trust in me and I need to rebuild it.

On the other hand, it’s hard to live with his obvious contempt for me and his skepticism when I am trying to live up to a higher standard, going forward.

The truth is, I am starting to resent the constant scrutiny and contempt. I actually told him that and he blew up at me, telling me that I have no right to feel this way after hurting him as I have done.

Is one episode of infidelity really that bad? 

According to Sam, yes — because I did it and didn’t tell him. He says he never would have known if his friend hadn’t told him about it, and this makes him wonder what else I’ve done, or might do.

All I can say is, I am contrite and told him everything I’d done when all he knew was that I had made out with someone. So I am wanting to be honest.

I don’t know how it’s possible to recover from this.

Michael replies:

You can’t have a loving relationship when one partner is the probation officer and the other partner is on probation. As you are finding, you wind up in a cesspool of resentment and suspicion.

Here’s an alternate approach: First, focus on giving Sam reason to trust you, every hour and every day. This means behaving in a way that is trustworthy.

The big question: What constitutes trustworthy behavior?

Of course, you must consider Sam’s feelings and comfort level in deciding on how you should conduct yourself as his partner. But you can’t base your standard only on what Sam demands; and you can’t do everything he demands.  

That’s what you’re doing now, with all the password-checking and location-tracking, and it’s leaving you angry, scared, demeaned, and second-guessing yourself. It’s also unbalancing your relationship, because rather than being two equal partners, one of you is subservient to the other.  

One more problem: it’s a fact of life that when people are being watched, they are often tempted to find some way to “cheat.” I’m not saying that Sam’s surveillance should or will drive you to hook up again; but ongoing scrutiny can certainly lead people to want to hide things. That is not a good dynamic for an intimate relationship.

Here’s an alternate way to rebuild trust: Decide for yourself how you want to behave, what standards and limits have integrity for you (again, taking into great consideration what is important to Sam). Strive to live up to these standards. Continue to follow through, day after day.  You will feel proud of yourself and solid in your belief that you are a person who is trustworthy. 

This may take some time. I understand well that you broke Sam’s trust, and perhaps his heart. You have to build a track record for him to see that you are holding yourself accountable.  

You may be facing a dilemma, as frequently happens in intimate relationships. They have a way of forcing us to make tough choices. If you do what you think is best to be a trustworthy partner, and if some of your choices violate Sam’s demands, Sam may end the relationship. On the other hand, ongoing scrutiny and cross-examination may be intolerable for you in a close relationship.

Explaining to Sam why it is important for you to have a boundary at times, in the interest of strengthening and developing a more loving relationship, may be helpful. 

While you, the partner who strayed, wrote this letter, there are important points for Sam (or anyone in his position) to consider in the interest of repairing a relationship following infidelity. I will address these in my next column.

Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with couples and individuals in D.C. He can be found online at michaelradkowsky.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it to [email protected].

I’ve written before about my first car: a used-but-pristine sports coupe, bought by mom for my 16th birthday. Recent test drives in two cool coupes brought back a flood of fond memories from those gawky teenage years. 

But while a two-door ride may not be the most practical vehicle for a decades-older me, it’s easy to appreciate the fast-and-furious allure. 

After all, buying a sports car is often associated with a midlife crisis. So who knows, there still may be room—or vroom!—for a sportster in my future. 

FORD MUSTANG ECOBOOST

$33,000 

MPG: 22 city/33 highway

0 to 60 mph: 5.6 seconds

Cargo space: 13.5 cubic feet

PROS: Muscle-car moxie. Surefire handling. Tech-laden cabin. 

CONS: Snug backseat. Pricey options. Intra-model competition.

IN A NUTSHELL: Introduced in 1964, Ford hoped to sell 100,000 Mustangs annually. But by tapping into the Boomer zeitgeist, almost 700,000 units were sold the first model year. Mustang is now the automaker’s longest running nameplate and the best-selling sports car in the world. 

This was the original “pony car,” with a high-test engine, long hood and affordable price tag. Luckily, the latest Mustang — recently redesigned and in its seventh generation — has stayed true to its roots. 

So, too, has the EcoBoost engine. Developed 15 years ago as a more enviro-friendly powerplant, these turbos often have been used on base models. The latest EcoBoosts — there are more than half a dozen — are 20% more fuel efficient and produce 15% fewer emissions than other Ford engines. And while the original could barely eke out 122 horsepower, today’s four-cylinder EcoBoost in the Mustang delivers 315 horsepower. 

The only bummer: no manual transmission. For that, you need to dig deeper into your wallet — much deeper. The Mustang GT, with a 486-horsepower V6, costs $50,000. And the boffo Dark Horse trim level, boasting a 500-horsepower V8, is $62,000. These MSRPs are without any options, which add up quickly.

But the Mustang EcoBoost still offers plenty of features: LED headlights, keyless entry, smartphone integration and Wi-Fi hotspot. Various driving aids—blind-spot monitor, rear-parking sensors, lane-keeping assist, forward collision warning with automatic braking—are all standard. 

The stodgy interior has been replaced with a mod, techno cabin with better upholstery and soft-touch surfaces. Various configurations of the digital instrument panel can be viewed at the whim of the driver. And the larger, 13.2-inch infotainment screen is user-friendly. 

Such upgrades remind me of the Mustang Mach-E. Though purists initially derided the use of the Mustang label on a four-door electric SUV, the Mach-E was the fourth best-selling EV last year. Similar in price and acceleration to a traditional gas-powered ‘Stang, the Mach-E is arguably just as fun. But add in the retro-cool factor, and there’s no comparison.

SUBARU BRZ

$33,000 

MPG: 20 city/27 highway

0 to 60 mph: 6.6 seconds

Cargo space: 6.3 cubic feet

PROS: Sporty. Zippy. Fits anywhere.

CONS: Low ground clearance. Bouncy. Tiny trunk.

IN A NUTSHELL: The Subaru BRZ may not have the aura of a Ford Mustang, but this compact coupe still checks plenty of boxes. 

Porsche-like styling. Precision steering. Punchy power. Even pricing is a plus, with a top trim level less than $37,000. 

Despite Lilliputian dimensions — the BRZ is a third smaller than a Mustang — there’s still more passenger room than in the rival Miata. As a tallish driver, I appreciated the unexpected amount of headroom and legroom in the front seats. 

But trunk space is another matter. With less than half the stowage space of a Mustang, don’t expect to haul more than a few grocery bags. And while you literally have to climb into certain jumbo SUVs and pickups, the opposite is true with the low-slung BRZ. These seats are so close to the chassis that it feels like sitting in a go-kart. Luckily, once I scooched myself down into the cabin, it didn’t take long to get used to the seating position. 

Three trim levels, all with rear-wheel drive, dual-zone climate control, push-button start and Subaru’s renowned EyeSight package: adaptive cruise control, automatic high-beam headlights, lane-departure warning and automatic emergency braking. Step up to the Limited version for larger wheels, heated seats, fancier upholstery, extra safety gear and a better sound system. The performance-oriented tS comes with sport-tuned suspension, premium Brembo brakes, dark gray metallic wheels and sporty interior stitching. 

Only one engine is available: a very capable 228-horsepower four cylinder. My test car also came with the six-speed manual transmission, which added more gusto. 

With such a short wheelbase, the ride is firm but controlled. And keeping weight down on the BRZ must have meant installing less insulation. After all, there’s some noticeable road noise, especially on the freeway. But then, you also hear the constant purring and revving of the engine, which is music to the ears of sports-car aficionados. 

The use of silicone injections and other unconventional fillers like cooking oils, have gained traction within the transgender community as a method for body enhancement. These substances — often used in non-medical settings — are offered as cheaper, quicker alternatives to professional, medically supervised, gender-affirming procedures. While these treatments may seem like a lifeline for some people, their consequences are far more complex.

Imagine living a life wearing a suit that doesn’t quite belong to you, explained Dr. Natalia Zhikhareva, better known as Dr. Z, a gender psychologist based in Los Angeles.

Every day, they step outside, and people see a body—responding, interacting and defining based solely on what they perceive. Inside that body, there’s someone else. Someone with a different gender identity, and each time people misgender them based on that outer shell, it makes them feel like they’re being punched. It’s not just uncomfortable, but also painful, and a constant reminder that who they see, doesn’t match who they are.

This psychological distress is known as gender dysphoria. For many transgender individuals, altering their appearance can be an essential part of alleviating  dysphoria, allowing them to feel more at home in their own bodies and engage with the world in a way that authentically reflects who they are.

According to a 2023 study by the Williams Institute at UCLA School of Law, “81% of transgender adults in the U.S. have thought about suicide.” This statistic highlights the need to address the systemic inequalities and societal pressures that transgender individuals face. From discrimination in healthcare, to pervasive stigma in everyday life, transgender people are navigating a world often hostile to their identity. 

The emotional and physical impact of body enhancements

 “I started to transition when I was about 19. At that time, they were using cooking oil [for body enhancements]. And I had that procedure done on my body. I got the oil injections because I looked at my trans friends, who were so beautiful and slender. It was easy for me to agree to do it,” Maria Roman-Taylorson, vice president & chief operating officer of the TransLatin@ Coalition, said in Spanish. 

The procedure involved injecting oil into different body areas, creating pockets under the skin. Her body later rejected the procedure and she found herself in the emergency room.

“It seems either the liquid was infected or the technique was flawed, and I got infected all over my lower back and hip,” she explained. “The doctor had to cut each pocket to drain it, which was incredibly painful.” 

Why trans people turn to these methods

Dr. Z explains that many people endure prolonged mental anguish to the point where they are willing to sacrifice their physical health to recover their peace and sense of self. She reflects on how access to gender-affirming care is both limited and costly, and in the current socio-political climate, it is becoming even more restricted. Dr. Z noted that in her practice, she has witnessed individuals taking extreme measures to alleviate their distress, such as self-administering silicone injections or traveling to other countries without knowing if the practitioners are qualified, all in a desperate effort to find relief.

“When society doesn’t provide treatment options, people have no choice,” she stated. 

“The trans community is part of society. I pay taxes. I contribute and as such, I should have a place where they can provide me with services that respect my life and focus on helping and offering me with the best quality of services,” affirmed Roman-Taylorson. 

Dr. Z believes that some people struggle to understand the complexities of gender, mainly because many of them don’t think about it in their daily lives. However, just because some may not fully grasp the concept, it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist, nor does it negate the profound pain and unhappiness it can cause for some individuals. People often seek concrete facts—like a specific gene or medical evidence—to explain gender identity, but she feels this is the wrong approach. 

Instead, she emphasizes the importance of recognizing when a fellow human being is in deep distress and pain, even to the point of contemplating suicide. Dr. Z believes that when witnessing such suffering, the compassionate response is to offer help in whatever way possible. For her, gender-affirming care is one of the most effective means of providing that support. 

In a 2016 study, the National Library of Medicine indicated that liquid silicone injections could cause serious complications, including “…chronic cellulitis and abscess formation, ulceration, pneumonitis, cosmetic irregularities and asymmetries, perforation or injuries to critical structures, foreign body reactions and migration of silicone. These can present even years after injection.” 

Silicone, in particular, can migrate over time, distorting the intended body shape and potentially leading to embolisms — blockages in blood vessels — if the substance reaches the bloodstream. 

Roman-Taylorson describes that at 55 years old, she was hospitalized due to her body’s rejection of the silicone. She shared that in her case, one of the side effects of the liquid silicone injections, is cellulitis which led to a severe infection. The side effects cause her skin to turn black or red, swell, and become hot as if she has a fever. At times, the pain is so intense that it prevents her from walking, requiring hospitalization. Reflecting on her experience, Roman-Taylorson, acknowledged that she has paid a high price for the body she has today. 

She said that desperation for acceptance can lead people to disregard fear, even in the face of considerable risk. Rather than dwelling on the dangers, she emphasizes that her decision to accept liquid silicone injections was driven by the possibility of finally being accepted by the world. She longed to be recognized as the woman she truly felt she was. For her, the surgery she underwent was the sole accessible option to achieve that sense of recognition and validation. 

“When visiting the emergency room, doctors often lack the knowledge to address complications from these injections properly,” said Roman-Taylorson. In addition to medical challenges, trans people face judgment from healthcare providers who subtly question their decision to undergo these procedures. This leads to a sense of guilt and discrimination in the way they are treated. She emphasized that dealing with these biases only adds to the difficulty of managing their serious health issues. 

The unpredictable journey 

Yahni Ross, intake specialist and research assistant the TransLatin@ Coalition, expressed that despite having undergone the procedure herself, she would not recommend it to others because of the risks involved. At 32, she lives with loose silicone in her body and acknowledges that anything could happen. She explained that in the event of an accident, the silicone could shift, causing severe complications. She shared the story of a friend who was attacked and left with a deformed body after being stomped on. Ross noted that if the silicone in her body were to move, especially to sensitive areas like her eye, it could cause blindness. She stressed that the risks posed by silicone are significant and unpredictable. 

An analysis by the National Library of Medicine reveals that many trans women turn to fillers, not just for enhancing their appearance, but also for safety. By using fillers to achieve a more feminine look, they aim to blend in and avoid being recognized as transgender in situations that could potentially put them at risk for transphobic violence or harassment, like being unwelcome in bathrooms or locker rooms, or being misgendered. 

The threats of using liquid silicone and other harmful substances as body fillers highlight the urgent need for nationwide, accessible, and considerate gender-affirming care. Providing safe, affordable, and supportive medical procedures can save lives—not just by preventing dangerous physical complications, but also by ensuring trans people feel understood, and respected. 

“People are born experiencing gender dysphoria, and as a result, [they] sometimes suffer decades and decades,” said Dr. Z. She advises that people don’t have to change their views to show compassion and kindness towards trans people.

Hi Michael,

I’ve been best friends with Chris since we were kids. We’re both gay and both wound up in D.C. after college. And we’re roommates. 

The trouble started about a year and a half ago. Chris, who has always liked working out, started getting absorbed in bodybuilding.

He started spending hours a day working out and all these weird powders and supplements started piling up in the kitchen.

Chris became obsessed with building muscle. When he told me he was trying steroids, I told him that was a bad idea but he told me he was doing it under medical supervision and I shouldn’t worry.

In recent months he’s a changed person. He’s short with me a lot, angers easily. He got into a few screaming matches with Matthew, his boyfriend, that I overheard. He sounded paranoid and out-of-control. Guess what? Matthew walked out on him.

I’m not proud but I did a little snooping (basically looked in his bathroom) – and the stuff was everywhere.

Last week he lost his job. He wouldn’t tell me why but I am pretty sure it’s due to his increasingly weird and angry behavior. I told him that—and told him that I know he’s using a lot more than he should (is any amount OK?)—and he majorly blew up at me. Now he’s not talking to me and he texted me I should move out and not wait until our lease is up.

I don’t know what to do. I love Chris deeply—but it seems like the guy I’ve known for 20 years is gone and has been replaced by a mean paranoid guy who is driving his life off a cliff.

I’m wondering about letting his parents know. I’ve known them since childhood and I’m hoping they can talk some sense into him. Or an intervention with all his friends (none of whom he is speaking to anymore for one reason or another, but the real reason is his crazy behavior).  Maybe we could confront him and get him to stop.  

But I’m not sure what the right thing to do is and don’t want to alienate him completely.  Any thoughts or ideas for a good strategy?

Michael replies:

I’m sorry, I know it’s excruciating to watch someone you love struggle with addiction. I don’t think you can get Chris to stop or moderate his use.

You have shared your concerns with Chris, and he’s blown up at you. This is not a guy who wants to look at his life choices critically.

You could tell his parents, but you have to weigh the risks versus benefits. Maybe they would be able to influence Chris to cut back on his steroid use. Or maybe he’d just cut himself off from them as well, further deepening his isolation, and perhaps leading to his being even less tethered to reality.

I would make similar points about an intervention: Sometimes they have a positive impact on the person who is being confronted. Sometimes they don’t do much except rile the person up, and lead him or her to dig further into denial and isolation. 

My own experience is that interventions have a greater chance of being helpful when the person can acknowledge the unmanageability of the addiction and is willing to try something different. Chris doesn’t sound like he is anywhere near that point.

Simply put, there’s no easy fix to this, because only Chris gets to decide how he wants to live his life, even if his choices are ruinous.

Here’s what you can do:

First, if Chris starts talking to you again, be supportive without being enabling. This means not criticizing him or telling him what to do; letting him know that you care about him and are there to help if he wants help; not joining him in minimizing the seriousness of his situation; and having a boundary when necessary. 

For example: 

If there are times when he is pleasant to be with, enjoy them. 

If he’s snapping at you for no reason, you can say “hey, it’s not fun to be with you when you’re like this—I’ll see you later.”

If he’s lamenting his job loss, you might reply, “I’m sorry you lost your job—and I’m sure you could take steps to succeed in another job.” 

If he attempts to start an argument with you about how his steroid use is not a problem, or that you’re blowing it out of proportion, don’t join the argument. “Sorry, I see it differently, and I’m not going to argue with you about this.”

If he continues to not speak to you, you can still continue to reach out to him now-and-then, in ways that don’t require him to respond, to let him know you that you’ll be there for him if he needs help at some point.

One more thing you can do is get some support for yourself. This is a tough situation for you as well. It’s easy for someone in your situation to feel like you’re doing the wrong thing, no matter what you do. 

I’d suggest that you attend at least a few Al-Anon meetings. Al-Anon is a support fellowship for people whose loved ones are struggling with addiction. You’ll get support in recognizing that there really are limits to what you can do; in setting a boundary when you need to; and in knowing that you are not alone.

Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with couples and individuals in D.C. He can be found online at michaelradkowsky.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it to [email protected].

Dear Michael,

My boyfriend of five years has been steadily putting on weight and now I would say he is about 50 pounds heavier than when we met, which was the summer of 2019.

First he blamed the weight gain on COVID. Like most people we were stuck at home, anxious, and overindulging in comfort food; and the gym wasn’t an option. So I didn’t say anything and figured things would return to “normal” once we got through the pandemic.

I will say, though, that I managed to not gain much weight during that time because I found ways to exercise. He didn’t want to join me and I didn’t push.

Although we’re long past COVID, Tim hasn’t changed his ways. He never went back to the gym and continues to eat whatever he wants. I’d say his main hobby is sitting on the couch watching TV and eating junk food.

To make matters worse, his sister recently told me that historically Tim has been a heavy guy. He’d never bothered to share this with me, so I had no idea.

Evidently I met him on the tail-end of an intense push to get in shape. So he looked really good at the time, but that was temporary.

When I confronted him about this, he was mad at his sister for telling me and said I had no right to talk about him behind his back. Well, I didn’t ask her—she just brought it up, and was surprised that I was surprised.

Tim is annoyed that I keep voicing my unhappiness about his being out of shape. He says he is the same sweet and loving person I fell in love with and I’m shallow to be so upset by surface appearances.

I told him he was trying to gaslight me: If he feels that love should have nothing to do with how you look, then why did he go to all the trouble to lose weight and get in shape before we met? I feel like he did it to get a boyfriend and then thought he could just go back to being fat once he was in a relationship.

So now he’s mad at me for saying he’s basically a devious schemer. I didn’t use those words but it’s true I don’t trust him and feel taken advantage of.

Besides the weight, it’s not attractive to see him just basically lie around all the time and not take care of his body.

I asked if he’d consider some drug like Ozempic and he got really angry and said I’m awful to suggest something that might have all sorts of side effects just so that I will be happier with his looks.

The upshot is, I feel stuck with a guy who turns me off and doesn’t want to do anything about it and tells me I’m shallow for not being in love with him no matter what he looks like.

My friends tell me to dump him, but does he have a point?

Michael replies:

You get to decide whom you want to date. You are very far from alone in wanting an energetic and physically attractive partner.

It’s true that no one stays gorgeous, and has an amazing body, forever. We all have to accept the changes that time brings to our partners and to ourselves. But that is different from accepting a partner who isn’t making any effort to take care of himself. 

Aside from the lack of self-care, Tim’s refusal to share significant details about his life, or his thoughts and motives around big issues, is both a trust-destroyer and a huge roadblock to your having a close or intimate relationship. And the way that Tim blows off your questions, and attacks you for being curious or confused, is a recipe for distance and resentment. It is also unkind.

Now let’s look at your part in this. I’m curious about what has been keeping you in this relationship. You haven’t said anything about what you like (or love) about Tim. All I know is that he describes himself as sweet and loving.

Maybe he has some wonderful qualities you haven’t mentioned. Or maybe it’s hard for you to stand up for yourself? To let someone down? To have a boundary when it’s important? 

My biggest questions: Do you have a history of picking partners who underperform in some major ways? Or is the first time you’ve found yourself constantly disappointed by your partner, and constantly pushing him to do better?

Somehow you’ve created a life where you are hitting your head against a brick wall, getting nowhere, continuing to do it, and complaining about the pain. Tim’s made clear that he doesn’t want to do anything different, and yet you continue to push him to change. Your behavior might be leading him to dig in. In any case, it’s leaving you miserable.

In any relationship, you can certainly ask for what you would like from your partner. But you have to let go of the result. And if the answer is “no,” you can either accept it, or drive the two of you crazy.  

If you do care about this relationship, and Tim, and yourself, you could propose to Tim that the two of you meet with a couples therapist. Perhaps this would help Tim to open up and to get a grip on his behaviors. It might also help you to understand why you might be keeping yourself stuck in a miserable position, so that you can raise your level of functioning in this relationship. 

One more important thought: Tim’s lack of self-care and energy make me think that he is depressed. I wonder if Tim—before you met him, at least—was one of the many gay men who feel intense pressure to have a certain kind of body. It isn’t always easy, or even possible, to sustain this kind of appearance. And I wonder if he may be ashamed of where he is, which might be one big reason for his defensiveness.  

Again, couples therapy—or individual therapy—might help him address whatever is keeping him down.  But Tim would have to be willing to go. You can make the suggestion, but you cannot force him to change.

Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with couples and individuals in D.C. He can be found online at michaelradkowsky.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it to [email protected].

I’m a bit of a size queen when it comes to electric vehicles. After all, the bigger the battery pack, the lower the range anxiety. And EVs — with no engine or other components found on traditional gas models — can flaunt their larger cabins. Most EVs also deliver lickety-split acceleration, which can boost the size of any ego. 

I recently test drove two David and Goliath EVs: one an itty-bitty roadster and the other a behemoth pickup. 

So which was better? In the end, the answer was a matter of size. 

MINI COOPER COUPE EV

$31,000

Range: 114 miles

Fastest charging time: 103 miles in 30 minutes (80% charged)

0-to-60 mph: 6.9 seconds

Cargo capacity: 8.7 cu. ft. 

PROS: Quick. Nimble. Fun.

CONS: Battery range. Low chassis. Limited storage.

IN A NUTSHELL: With kicky styling, perky engines and quirky interiors, a Mini Cooper always makes me smile. The EV coupe is no exception, with funky yellow accents on the wheels, badging and side mirrors to distinguish this car from a typical Mini. 

For such a compact car, there’s ample headroom and legroom. But cargo space is tight. Luckily, lowering the back seats triples the stowage area. 

Up front in the Euro-chic cabin, there are plenty of retro toggle switches and tasteful chrome accents. As with other EVs, a digital readout indicates the exact time the vehicle will be fully charged. The nav system, which displays a “range circle” to show how far the Mini can go without running out of juice, also maps out the best “green” route to travel. That’s a nice touch, because the driving range here is only 114 miles. Luckily, the regenerative braking system is extra-grippy to help conserve energy. And by just barely lifting your foot off the accelerator, this coupe slows so dramatically that you only need to brake when coming to a full stop.

Best of all, handling is exceptional. Despite the low ground clearance — just 5.6 inches — the Mini Cooper easily handles speed bumps and torn up roads. And during my daily commute, this go-kart wannabe easily scooted through a sea of overbearing semis and SUVs on the Beltway. 

Overall, the Mini Cooper EV is affordable and fits anywhere. It may even put a smile on your face.  

FORD F-150 LIGHTNING

$58,000

Range: 240-320 miles

Fastest charging time: 201 miles in 42 minutes (80% charged)

0-to-60 mph: 4.1 seconds

Cargo capacity: 52.8 cu. ft.

PROS: Lightning fast. Sedan-like comfort. Super storage.

CONS: Pricey trims. Increased competition. Towing saps the battery. 

IN A NUTSHELL: Compared with a Mini Cooper EV, the Ford F-150 Lightning is a Maximus chariot. At 19 feet long and more than six feet tall, this pickup is seven feet longer and two feet taller than the miniscule coupe. The Lightning also weighs 6,000-plus pounds, which makes it three times heavier than the Mini. And the Lightning’s towing capacity — at up to 10,000 pounds — is four times greater.  

Despite the gargantuan proportions, this Herculean beast rides and handles like a lithe sedan. No, the Lightning is not as nimble as a spritely Mini, but it’s surprisingly close — especially for a hauler with land-yacht proportions.  

A fave feature: major storage space, including two glove boxes, an acres-long truck bed, a huge center console, and a frunk that can hold almost twice as much gear as the rear cargo bay in a Mini Cooper. The funky frunk is also water-resistant, drainable, lockable and has four 120-volt outlets and two USB chargers. There’s even an emergency release latch, just like in a standard trunk. Coolest of all, with just two taps to the key fob, the frunk’s lid opens and closes electronically—which makes the Lightning look like some sort of Leviathan sea monster. 

Power comes from two electric motors configured to provide standard all-wheel drive. Add in the extended-range battery for more horsepower and torque, and the Lightning lives up to its Thor-like bona fides. Such wickedly fast acceleration is thrilling and, frankly, a bit scary. 

Inside, the well-insulated cabin boasts many fine options, including max-recline seats, hands-free driving system, Bang & Olufsen premium stereo, twin-panel moonroof and a 15-inch infotainment screen that looks and behaves like an iPad. 

When it comes to size, the Lightning is larger, faster and full of more storage space than a Mini Cooper. Yet the coupe costs half as much and is a better urban adventurer. It also seems a bit more practical, at least in the city. 

Small versus large? It all depends on which size fits you best. 

Dear Michael,

I’m a 39 year-old gay man. Over the past decade I’ve been watching my straight friends from college date, marry, have kids, and buy houses. Their lives seem really fulfilling. 

In the meantime, like all my gay friends, I’ve been hooking up and drinking too much and partying on weekends.  

I realize that I hate my gay life. I think it’s vapid. I never thought I would say this but I actually wish I were straight because I think my life would be better and easier.

I don’t think this is internalized homophobia and I don’t think I’m idealizing my straight friends’ lives. I look around me and compare their lives to my life and my gay friends’ lives and it’s obvious that their lives are more meaningful. I realize I’m profoundly depressed. 

Looking to the future, I know I’ve got an expiration date when it will be absurd for me to be standing around in my underpants at a bar. And then I will be irrelevant. 

I don’t want to be going to sex parties and have people look through me — or only have sex with me because they have a grandpa fetish. 

And the prospect of spending my future at a never-ending string of dinner parties with conversations about art or theater seems dismal. I know that’s a cliché but I’ve known enough older gay men to know there’s a lot of truth to it.

I envy my straight friends’ marriages. They all seem devoted to their spouses. 

I would love to have a true life companion. I can’t fathom what my gay friends’ marriages are really about, because they’re all always going out separately from their husbands and screwing other people. I don’t discuss this with anyone because I’m afraid they’ll judge me or say I am pathetic and hate myself. I don’t really hate myself but I am hopeless about having a meaningful life as a gay man.

Any thoughts about getting to a better place?

Michael replies:

I could tell you that your best hope of a better life is to make your peace with being a gay man; that doing so does not have to mean living a life you find vapid and meaningless. That there is no one way to be gay; that you and you alone get to choose how you construct your life. And that the accomplishments you believe give your straight friends’ lives meaning are also possible for you to achieve.

But I think you probably know all this. So the real question is, why are you continuing to live this life you despise, year after year?

Some questions to consider: 

• What are you afraid might happen if you don’t keep following the crowd? 

• What endeavors, activities, and causes do you imagine would give your life some greater meaning? 

• What stops you from pursuing any of them or making them part of your life?

I wonder what life experiences you may have had that contribute to your being so stuck. For example: Were you discouraged from thinking for yourself or from being self-directed as a kid? Were you expected to do as you were told? Were you ever bullied or ostracized, which might make it important for you to feel part of a group even you don’t really fit? 

A related question: While you say that you want a close relationship, you don’t describe efforts to find one. Thinking back over your 39 years, can you identify any reasons why intimacy would be scary or uncomfortable for you?  There are a number of reasons why gay men often have difficulty establishing relationships that include both sex and emotional connection. And you may have your own reasons for avoiding closeness that are unrelated to being gay. (Discomfort with intimacy is not limited to gay people.)

One more thing to consider: Although you say this isn’t internalized homophobia, is it possible you’ve absorbed negative beliefs over the course of your life that lead you to see being gay in a negative light?

I’m asking all these questions simply to encourage you to develop some hypotheses about why you’ve been continuing to live as you’ve been living. Having some understanding of what’s holding you back, or what you’re afraid of, might make it easier to quiet your anxiety, get off autopilot, and start moving in directions you would like to go.

Regarding your being profoundly depressed: I could suggest that you work with a therapist on getting past what is keeping you from creating a better life. In addition, regular exercise (if you aren’t doing this already) would likely help your mood; and curbing your alcohol consumption would likely help you to better manage your life and your mood. (Perhaps your therapist or physician would recommend an antidepressant to help you along.)

Again, I am certain you already know all this. I don’t think suggestions are what you really need. As long as you keep your focus on all the things you hate about your life and all the sadness that you are convinced lies in your future, your life will likely remain as is. 

For you to have a shot at a better life, you’re going to have to do something new (hard and scary as that might be). This might include any or all of my suggestions, or it might be something entirely different that you conceive. The essential ingredients: Recognize that you actually have a choice as to how you want to live your life; and make the choice to take action on your behalf.

Michael Radkowsky, Psy.D. is a licensed psychologist who works with couples and individuals in D.C. He can be found online at michaelradkowsky.com. All identifying information has been changed for reasons of confidentiality. Have a question? Send it to [email protected].

While the Fourth of July may be over, other fireworks continue with two bangin’ rides: the Ford Maverick pickup and Subaru Crosstrek SUV. Both are affordable compacts, though neither can be considered barebones and each vehicle offers some fresh surprises. 

FORD MAVERICK LARIAT

$35,000

MPG: 22 city/29 highway

0-to-60 mph: 5.9 seconds

Cargo capacity: 33.3 cu. ft.

PROS: Very low price. Peppy. Lotsa storage.

CONS: Spartan base model. Bumpy ride. Pricey options. 

IN A NUTSHELL: When I wrote a few years ago about the Ford Maverick, which was replacing the long-time Ranger, it was a pleasant surprise to learn this new pickup came standard as a hybrid. Such fuel efficiency—42 mpg in the city, 33 mpg on the highway—is still impressive. But this year Ford switched the Maverick’s powertrain availability, which means the hybrid is now a $1,500 option and the more powerful turbo engine comes standard. That’s a downer for fuel-conscious buyers, but a plus for anyone seeking more oomph under the hood. 

Hybrid or no, the starting price of a base-model Maverick is still low: less than $25,000. This makes it the least expensive compact pickup out there. Available only as a four-door crew cab, there’s plenty of passenger and cargo room.The low-slung truck bed—which can carry cargo up to 1,500 pounds—makes loading and unloading easy. And despite its small size, this tough hauler can tow up to 4,000 pounds. Built on the same platform as two popular Ford SUVs—the Escape and Bronco Sport—the Maverick boasts handling more like a sedate sedan than a stiff truck. Well, at least that’s the case on the freeway. In town, the ride is bumpier than expected over potholes and such. 

Three trim levels available: XL, XLT and high-end Lariat, which is what I test drove for a week. The XL is basic—with 17-inch steel wheels, cloth seats and a six-speaker stereo—while the XLT adds alloy wheels, power-locking tailgate and a rear armrest with cupholders. But the Lariat offers unexpected amenities, such as keyless entry, push-button start, synthetic leather upholstery, power-sliding rear window, heated seats, heated steering wheel, wireless charging pad and eight-speaker Bang & Olufsen stereo. 

All Mavericks come with forward collision warning that automatically applies braking when necessary. But the Lariat adds adaptive cruise control, rear parking sensors, blind-spot monitor with rear cross-traffic alert, and evasive steering that kicks in to help avoid collisions. 

For all you alphas, there’s a Tremor Off-Road package, which adds rough-and-rugged features like elevated ground clearance, advanced four-wheel drive, skid plates, off-road suspension, locking rear differential, all-terrain tires, full-size spare, and more aggressive styling and badging. 

Alas, such options add up and can bump the sticker price close to $45,000.

SUBARU CROSSTREK WILDERNESS

$34,000

MPG: 25 city/29 highway

0-to-60 mph: 8.5 seconds 

Cargo capacity: 20 cu. ft.

PROS: Off-road capability. Roomy. Comfy seats.

CONS: Plasticky interior. Bit noisy cabin. No speed demon.

IN A NUTSHELL: Subaru has its own maverick in the showroom: the tiny-but-mighty Crosstrek. Redesigned for 2024, the Crosstrek retains much of its quirky styling and adept handling. That’s a good thing, considering how hot this SUV has been the past few years.  

There’s also a brand-new trim level: the Wilderness. While I was already a big fan of the Crosstrek, the Wilderness ratchets things up a lot. 

Except for the BRZ sports car, all Subarus come standard with all-wheel drive. Yet the off-road prowess of the Crosstrek Wilderness is enhanced by front skid plate, extra drive modes, a tighter suspension and higher ground clearance (9.3 inches versus 8.6 inches on other Crosstreks). No, this is not a Jeep Wrangler or Toyota Land Cruiser, but the Wilderness is no slouch when tackling rutty roads or sandy terrain. 

As for looks, the rugged styling includes hexagonal fog lights, 17-inch black alloy wheels with thick treads, black front and rear bumpers, and black cladding on the wheel arches to protect against scrapes. Faux copper accents—especially on the roof rack and steering wheel—signal that this is not your average Crosstrek. 

With the back seats down, cargo space in all Crosstreks is 55 cubic feet (an impressive two-and-a-half times the area when the seats are up). As for towing, standard Crosstrek models can haul an impressive 1,500 pounds. But the Wilderness can tow even more—a whopping 3,500 pounds. 

Inside, the high roofline makes the cabin feel surprisingly large. The gauges and displays—functional but not glitzy—are the same across the Crosstrek lineup. Notable options include power moonroof, 10-way power driver’s seat and 10-speaker Harmon Kardon audio. 

The main difference between the Wilderness and other Crosstrek trims are the comfortable, water-resistant seats (made of synthetic leather upholstery) and the rubber floor mats emblazoned with the Wilderness logo. 

All in all, this Crosstrek turned out to be a practical urban ride that also brought out my inner Paul Bunyan on weekends. 

Dr. Grewal, aka The Melrose Vet, is a proud ally of the LGBTQ community and was happy to support the Los Angeles Blade for their Pride events last month.

“At The Melrose Vet, we are committed to fostering an inclusive and welcoming environment for all,” said Dr. Grewal. “As a proud supporter of the LGBTQ community, we believe that every individual deserves to be treated with dignity, respect, and compassion, regardless of their sexual orientation or gender identity. Our clinic is dedicated to creating a safe space where diversity is celebrated, and everyone feels valued and supported.”

Dr. Grewal recognizes the unique challenges faced by the LGBTQ community and strives to ensure that his practice is a place of acceptance and understanding.

“The Melrose Vet stands firmly in support of LGBTQ rights and inclusivity, both within our clinic and in the broader community. We are honored to serve a diverse clientele and are committed to advocating for equality and respect for all.”

He added: “It’s so important — especially for allies — to support the Blade,” said Dr. Grewal. “They are a tireless advocate for the LGBTQ community, and we love working with them.”

Dr. Grewal recommends that all Blade readers take their pets in for their annual checkups.

“Regular check-ups are essential for early detection and treatment of common pet issues. Don’t hesitate to reach out to your vet if something seems off,” he noted. “Being observant and proactive about your pet’s health can prevent minor issues from becoming major problems. Trust your instincts and seek professional advice when needed.”

Now that we are in the summer months, Dr. Grewal highly recommends you keep your pets well hydrated. “A healthy diet and adequate hydration are crucial for maintaining your pet’s digestive health. Ensure they have access to fresh water and a balanced diet.”

If you can’t make it into his vet office, Dr. Grewal and his experienced team are also mobile vets, bringing their veterinary care directly to your doorstep.

“Traveling to a veterinary clinic can be stressful for pets, especially those who are anxious or have mobility issues. A mobile vet service allows pets to receive care in the comfort of their own home, reducing stress and anxiety. In this way, we can prioritize your pet’s comfort and health by offering personalized attention in the familiar surroundings of your home. This ensures minimal stress for your pets.”